One More Night

One more night... may this night end the year that wasn't meant to be, but was... I never thought that I would be sitting at home on New Year's Eve blogging when I should be out there with family and friends.

The day started with dim sum and quickly turned into another day where I couldn't wait for the sun to set.

I think I've been packing away too many boxes of empty thoughts and drowning myself in too many things to avoid life's knot. There's a deeper underlying issue here. Life feels like a knot that can't be untangled... pulling on one string just seems to tighten the knot further. Taking a scissor to the knot seems excessive, but picking at it only seems to make it worst. What to do in such a case? It won't untangle itself... get a new string?? Only if it was that easy...

Is it my fault? My own doing? Did I place too much trust, love, care, and time into other's in an effortless and meaningless manner? Why is it easier to ask a stranger to give me a back rub when my back is in pain than it is to ask an ex to do the same? How is it possible for a heart to change it's course almost on demand? I still remember my mom telling me many years ago when I was still in junior high school, she said, "You will almost never get out of friends what you put into them." I was always a doubter of this. I've gone through a number of situations where what my mom said was true, yet, I continue to pour myself into others. Maybe mom is right about this? I don't know. What I do feel that I know is this... you can't expect others to stay the same over time.

So, I'm at a cross road in life right now. I can stay the course or take a drastic detour. Sometimes that detour just looks so good... but, damn the logical side of me... sigh... Some times I just feel like dropping everything in my current life and start over a new one where I know no one and know one knows me. Sought of a new start... I don't know. I really have nothing here that holds me down where I can't really change if I wanted to. Maybe I'm just missing that guiding star that had guided me for so many years of my life. Perhaps it's time to upgrade my "internal GPS"... time to reinvent myself? What to do?

Life is so full of broken promises and lies... I'm not bitter... it's just an observance that bothers me terribly. I don't know how to change this about life, when I don't think that I'm the source. "God, is man-kind really this screwed up? Are we really such sinful beings? Where are we heading collectively? I have many questions to ask you, but I'm not so sure I will hear your answer... I'm sorry."

Sometimes I feel that I'm such a sorry fucked up person. I don't know how else I can become a better person. I often feel my efforts go no where. Would my efforts even matter when those around me don't believe in bettering themselves?

In another six hours or so, a few million people will be toasting each other "Happy New Year", kissing each other, hugging each other, and etc... but, what about those less fortunate people out there? We all make new year resolutions, rarely keep them, and we almost never make one that benefits others. We will never make a toast to the homeless, the hungry, and the sick. Even our well wishes are selfish... most importantly, the homeless, the hungry, and the sick won't even cross our minds tonight. We are too busy traveling, feasting, partying, dancing, singing, and celebrating the turning of a page on the calendar.

sigh... maybe I'm being too glum about life... or am I? Or perhaps, not enough of us actually care?

I'm still sitting here comtemplating when I'm going to leave the house to take a 20 minute walk to my aunt's house... I have no choice... if I hadn't bought an ice cream cake to surprise my sister for her birthday, I would be calling it a night. hmmm... just got a call from my sister... apparently she is leaving my aunt's house now... perhaps, I don't have to go over afterall.