Blue Water

Gosh... I feel a bit sad now after looking at my calendar. The calendar came as a gift from a friend and I use it at work with my fellow cube mates. We all take turns changing the date on the calendar and marvelling at the beautiful picturesque locations that we all rather be at than in the office. Today's picture is of a beautiful beach in the Bahamas.

The picture is actually one of the "simpler" ones... just a coconut tree, sand, two beach umbrellas made from grass, a clear blue sky, and of course the blue water.

Staring at the picture for about 30 seconds made me realize one thing. I've never seen true blue water before in my life. Never have I seen true blue water other than water in a hotel pool or someone's yard... and even that is artificial. The water only looks blue because the pool bottoms are painted blue. :(

So, why am I feeling sad about not seeing blue water? After all... it's just water. Well, I think it is because it brings up thoughts of certain places, events, and wants in life.

Hawaii. Hawaii tops the list where someone special in my life went during my grad school graduation ceremony. Needless to say, it was pretty upsetting. I tried hard to keep my cool, but ended up returning the shirt and tie that was given to me for my graduation. But, at the end, I accepted the gift to not make this person feel guilty. And... coincidentally... I'm wearing the tie today... as if it was meant to taunt me all over again. I wear the tie from time to time to force myself to accept certain facts of life, but recently it had moved it's way to the back of the closet. Perhaps, wearing it today in conjunction with blue water is a sign of some sort?

Cancun. Cruise. I always wanted to go to Cancun or on a cruise. It just never happened for one reason or another. I just want to see my toes wiggle in the blue water... that's all. Not too much to ask, right? Well... maybe to see all the little fishes swim around my feet too. I think it would be cool. :)

I actually have a confession. I actually feel/believe that I died drowning in my past life. It's funny to say that because I'm suppose to be a Christian and Christians don't believe in past lives. We simply go to heaven and that's it. But, I think I did die of drowning. I fear black water the most. Black water is simply water seen at night. Have you ever looked into the distance of an ocean and see nothing, but hear the waves crashing beneath you? It is a scary feeling for me. Black water is like a black hole where you can fall into it and end up in limbo or something. Looking into black water on the most peaceful nights still sends a trembling chill deep into my bones.

Although I fear black water, whenever I have the opportunity, I stare hard at it; while suppressing the inner fear. It's weird I know. But I do it to make my heart race then to feel my heart calm down. I look for the glittering reflection of the moon to help find the inner peace.

Water, the moon, and skating... these are all reoccurring "themes" in my life. Water represents fear. The moon represents peace. And skating represents freedom. I even wrote a poem over 10 years ago with all three themes in it. The poem was complimented by a school professor... "It reminds me of Robert Frost." The poem was actually about him and how he broke apart my first relationship. I showed him the poem to tell him how I viewed him as a disgusting person... but I was always at his mercy. He wrote a poem back to me using the word "rape" to describe the desire for love. He was an intelligent, but disgusting man. It's no accident that he chose the word "rape"... that's how I felt. More on the past at another time. This story was meant to be told in my book.

I'm not please with this blog entry. It doesn't flow like water or provide peace like the moon. It fails to bring freedom... just more turmoil.

Blue Water

The Tie