Emotionally Available?
Sorry... this blog took such a long time to publish... I guess it is finished now... Click on the youtube video below and let it play as you read this entry... it kinda recreates the internal emotions that I've been having as I wrote this blog.
I finally wrapped my head around this topic of whether I'm "emotionally available". I haven't pondered on this for sometime until I was actually asked if I was emotionally available by a recent Cali transplant. We were just talking about relationships in the most general sense when he asked the question, "So, are you emotionally available?" I was a bit caught off guard and had to think for a split second before I gave off the impression that I wasn't. Not that I was interested in him, but I guess I didn't want people to think that I still had "issues".
It took another five weeks for me to completely re-evaluate myself... well... the answer still isn't crystal clear, but I do have somewhat of an answer for this blog. Perhaps by the end of this entry... all will be clearer to me.
I have been trying to make myself emotionally available for some time now, but it is clear that I'm not "fully well". I guess that's why people tend to have "rebound guy or girl" to help usher the relationship emotions back on level ground. Rebound guys are important apparently... they help create a sense that you are still worthy to be admired and loved and that the break up wasn't entirely your fault.
I decided not to have rebound guy or girl because I felt that it would have been selfish of me to be in a "relationship" when I wasn't fully emotionally available. I had several opportunities where I could have had a rebound guy tho.
Aside from several possible rebound guys, I did find myself attracted to one or two other possible potential boyfriends. Unfortunately or fortunately, these "possible potential" boyfriends didn't work out either. I perhaps didn't make myself emotionally available fast enough. Sigh... one of these potentials is actually "married" now. I guess that's how the world turns. We are still close, but, it does make me wonder sometimes -- "What could have been?"
My recovery period from a break up is apparently 2.5 years on average. I'm fast approaching that point. I thought this recovery period was suppose to get shorter with each failed relationship. Well... I guess it's different between breaking up with a boyfriend versus being "married" and going through a divorce. The break up of my last relationship felt more like that my other half just died. There was no closure... at least, that's how I felt.
Perhaps I would have recovered sooner if I understood or knew why we had to separate. I asked several times on several occasions, but I really never got a proper answer; perhaps, not an answer that seemed sensible to me. I struggled for a very long time trying to grasp the logic behind it all, but alas, love is not about logic - sometimes. The answer finally came to me last year when I found out that we broke up because I wasn't "attractive" anymore. After knowing this fact, it didn't help me either. I felt helpless afterwards. It was a hard blow for me because I could change my habits and the way I do things, but I could never change the way I look.
Well... in all fairness... the word "attractive" also doesn't have to mean something physical, but, that was my initial interpretation. I also do realize, that I am generalizing a whole lot; as the details are not needed to answer my question of whether I am "emotionally available".
It was hard to swallow this fact, but I now accept it. I am not the most "attractive" person. I do not exhibit outwardly qualities that lore mice like the Pied Piper of Hamelin does. I am simply me... a simple guy with not much to offer outwardly. I think my "qualities" have to be "discovered" to be appreciated... and this is where I falter. People these days are into quick instant gratification... who has the time to go exploring the inner qualities of a person?
I can change. Yes I can. I can be more flirtatious... I can do a little more sweet talking. I can "put out". I can make a lot of promises too. I can even go for plastic surgery if needed! But... all these "improvements" would make me a fake... so I feel. I don't know. Maybe I can find some common ground to compete with all the Pied Pipers out there?
So, to answer the question whether I am "emotionally available"... I am "emotionally ready". I have noticed that my heart doesn't physically hurt anymore when I think of him. It hasn't for a while, but what does hurt is the fact that, not only did our relationship deteriorate beyond couple-dom... I sometimes feel that I don't know much about him anymore. And this is what bothers me now and what actually makes me teary eyed. I don't cry because of our separation anymore, I cry because I feel that the connection between us is on the levels of "hello", "good-bye", and "have a nice day".
Is it wrong to ask for an in-depth non-couple friendship? It seems that this type of relationship is rare and not the norm for most people these days. It's all about having a separate set of friends for travel, a separate set of friends for clubbing, for dining, for gatherings, and yet another set of friends for professional growth. I even know friends that don't want their separate groups of friends to mix. In my mind... I want all my friends to know each other like a huge family. I guess this is not how people normally think.
I guess I may be asking for too much from a former-relationship. I think this is my problem. I ask for too much from my ex's. Somehow, in my mind, I don't want my faltered relationships to change, but to remain the same, but to accept the fact that it's over. This concept is hard to explain or to grasp... unless you are me. I'm very different than most people when it comes to this. I have the ability to love my ex's as I've always did, but at the same time, know that we are not together. But for most people... when a relationship is over... the connection between the two is reduced to "just friends" in the looses terms. This is my predicament.
After thirsting for an in-depth conversation with him... it came. "Ooops... we didn't get to dance this time", he said. "It's okay", I said, as we went to bed. I laid there thinking about our friendship and a tear rolled out as he coincidentally caressed my face in the dark. I quickly wiped it away. "I know. It's my fault", he said. "No", I said. He too had a tear roll down his cheeks.
All this time, I know he's thinking that it was the dance that we didn't have, but it isn't. It is the connection that we don't have. I suppose I ask for too much from a friendship. This I can't change, but I do accept. I suppose this characteristic of mine will always "burden" me... so let it be. I think I'm starting to move beyond the point of expectation to the point of indifference; a forced acceptance in a way. I'm not upset anymore; nor happy about it. Just an acceptance of the way things are. This acceptance is starting to become the norm of life for me now.
I realize all this sounds terrible. I am not bad mouthing him by any means. I know deep in my heart, that he loves and cares about me greatly. I also know that I am still someone very special to him. I know this won't change, I hope. This is simply about me... my acceptance of what I see in life in general. He is not the only person I feel this with, but I used him as an example because of my strong connection with him.
This brings me back to a discussion that I had with my mom when I was about 12 years old. I asked her why she didn't care about writing Christmas cards to her long time friends in Hong Kong anymore. She said, "Sometimes you treat your friends as friends, but they don't necessary feel the same about you. People tend not to value friendships like people used to." So I said, "But, if you treat people the way you want to be treated, wouldn't they know and treat you the same?" She said impatiently, "You don't understand. You will understand later that people don't think the way you do. You will understand when you are older." Our conversation or "debate" lasted for 10 minutes, but now I understand, and I see its lesson lasting for a life time. It is simply how life is. It's not necessarily a bad thing in life. It is just a part of life. Maybe it's a time issue, a timing issue, or simply we are just too busy, or perhaps the simple fact that life is meant to move forward and not dwelled upon - or reminisced upon. I guess people over time become less "yeat ching", the term my mom used.
I really enjoy the song in the below youtube video. It is sung by two of my favorite Cantonese singers. sigh... I don't know all the meanings of the lyrics... very unfortunately, but I understand the gist of it with the help of a friend. The most powerful line in the whole song to me, is actually the last line of the song. Basically, it says, "No matter whether your heart is in love or is breaking, the first rule of thumb is to have both eyes closed". This boils down to, don't see things so clearly as it causes you pain. Although I find the line to be very poetic, I feel that one should have both eyes opened and still love his/her special someone whole-heartily... otherwise, why love at all?
I finally wrapped my head around this topic of whether I'm "emotionally available". I haven't pondered on this for sometime until I was actually asked if I was emotionally available by a recent Cali transplant. We were just talking about relationships in the most general sense when he asked the question, "So, are you emotionally available?" I was a bit caught off guard and had to think for a split second before I gave off the impression that I wasn't. Not that I was interested in him, but I guess I didn't want people to think that I still had "issues".
It took another five weeks for me to completely re-evaluate myself... well... the answer still isn't crystal clear, but I do have somewhat of an answer for this blog. Perhaps by the end of this entry... all will be clearer to me.
I have been trying to make myself emotionally available for some time now, but it is clear that I'm not "fully well". I guess that's why people tend to have "rebound guy or girl" to help usher the relationship emotions back on level ground. Rebound guys are important apparently... they help create a sense that you are still worthy to be admired and loved and that the break up wasn't entirely your fault.
I decided not to have rebound guy or girl because I felt that it would have been selfish of me to be in a "relationship" when I wasn't fully emotionally available. I had several opportunities where I could have had a rebound guy tho.
Aside from several possible rebound guys, I did find myself attracted to one or two other possible potential boyfriends. Unfortunately or fortunately, these "possible potential" boyfriends didn't work out either. I perhaps didn't make myself emotionally available fast enough. Sigh... one of these potentials is actually "married" now. I guess that's how the world turns. We are still close, but, it does make me wonder sometimes -- "What could have been?"
My recovery period from a break up is apparently 2.5 years on average. I'm fast approaching that point. I thought this recovery period was suppose to get shorter with each failed relationship. Well... I guess it's different between breaking up with a boyfriend versus being "married" and going through a divorce. The break up of my last relationship felt more like that my other half just died. There was no closure... at least, that's how I felt.
Perhaps I would have recovered sooner if I understood or knew why we had to separate. I asked several times on several occasions, but I really never got a proper answer; perhaps, not an answer that seemed sensible to me. I struggled for a very long time trying to grasp the logic behind it all, but alas, love is not about logic - sometimes. The answer finally came to me last year when I found out that we broke up because I wasn't "attractive" anymore. After knowing this fact, it didn't help me either. I felt helpless afterwards. It was a hard blow for me because I could change my habits and the way I do things, but I could never change the way I look.
Well... in all fairness... the word "attractive" also doesn't have to mean something physical, but, that was my initial interpretation. I also do realize, that I am generalizing a whole lot; as the details are not needed to answer my question of whether I am "emotionally available".
It was hard to swallow this fact, but I now accept it. I am not the most "attractive" person. I do not exhibit outwardly qualities that lore mice like the Pied Piper of Hamelin does. I am simply me... a simple guy with not much to offer outwardly. I think my "qualities" have to be "discovered" to be appreciated... and this is where I falter. People these days are into quick instant gratification... who has the time to go exploring the inner qualities of a person?
I can change. Yes I can. I can be more flirtatious... I can do a little more sweet talking. I can "put out". I can make a lot of promises too. I can even go for plastic surgery if needed! But... all these "improvements" would make me a fake... so I feel. I don't know. Maybe I can find some common ground to compete with all the Pied Pipers out there?
So, to answer the question whether I am "emotionally available"... I am "emotionally ready". I have noticed that my heart doesn't physically hurt anymore when I think of him. It hasn't for a while, but what does hurt is the fact that, not only did our relationship deteriorate beyond couple-dom... I sometimes feel that I don't know much about him anymore. And this is what bothers me now and what actually makes me teary eyed. I don't cry because of our separation anymore, I cry because I feel that the connection between us is on the levels of "hello", "good-bye", and "have a nice day".
Is it wrong to ask for an in-depth non-couple friendship? It seems that this type of relationship is rare and not the norm for most people these days. It's all about having a separate set of friends for travel, a separate set of friends for clubbing, for dining, for gatherings, and yet another set of friends for professional growth. I even know friends that don't want their separate groups of friends to mix. In my mind... I want all my friends to know each other like a huge family. I guess this is not how people normally think.
I guess I may be asking for too much from a former-relationship. I think this is my problem. I ask for too much from my ex's. Somehow, in my mind, I don't want my faltered relationships to change, but to remain the same, but to accept the fact that it's over. This concept is hard to explain or to grasp... unless you are me. I'm very different than most people when it comes to this. I have the ability to love my ex's as I've always did, but at the same time, know that we are not together. But for most people... when a relationship is over... the connection between the two is reduced to "just friends" in the looses terms. This is my predicament.
After thirsting for an in-depth conversation with him... it came. "Ooops... we didn't get to dance this time", he said. "It's okay", I said, as we went to bed. I laid there thinking about our friendship and a tear rolled out as he coincidentally caressed my face in the dark. I quickly wiped it away. "I know. It's my fault", he said. "No", I said. He too had a tear roll down his cheeks.
All this time, I know he's thinking that it was the dance that we didn't have, but it isn't. It is the connection that we don't have. I suppose I ask for too much from a friendship. This I can't change, but I do accept. I suppose this characteristic of mine will always "burden" me... so let it be. I think I'm starting to move beyond the point of expectation to the point of indifference; a forced acceptance in a way. I'm not upset anymore; nor happy about it. Just an acceptance of the way things are. This acceptance is starting to become the norm of life for me now.
I realize all this sounds terrible. I am not bad mouthing him by any means. I know deep in my heart, that he loves and cares about me greatly. I also know that I am still someone very special to him. I know this won't change, I hope. This is simply about me... my acceptance of what I see in life in general. He is not the only person I feel this with, but I used him as an example because of my strong connection with him.
This brings me back to a discussion that I had with my mom when I was about 12 years old. I asked her why she didn't care about writing Christmas cards to her long time friends in Hong Kong anymore. She said, "Sometimes you treat your friends as friends, but they don't necessary feel the same about you. People tend not to value friendships like people used to." So I said, "But, if you treat people the way you want to be treated, wouldn't they know and treat you the same?" She said impatiently, "You don't understand. You will understand later that people don't think the way you do. You will understand when you are older." Our conversation or "debate" lasted for 10 minutes, but now I understand, and I see its lesson lasting for a life time. It is simply how life is. It's not necessarily a bad thing in life. It is just a part of life. Maybe it's a time issue, a timing issue, or simply we are just too busy, or perhaps the simple fact that life is meant to move forward and not dwelled upon - or reminisced upon. I guess people over time become less "yeat ching", the term my mom used.
I really enjoy the song in the below youtube video. It is sung by two of my favorite Cantonese singers. sigh... I don't know all the meanings of the lyrics... very unfortunately, but I understand the gist of it with the help of a friend. The most powerful line in the whole song to me, is actually the last line of the song. Basically, it says, "No matter whether your heart is in love or is breaking, the first rule of thumb is to have both eyes closed". This boils down to, don't see things so clearly as it causes you pain. Although I find the line to be very poetic, I feel that one should have both eyes opened and still love his/her special someone whole-heartily... otherwise, why love at all?
posted by Sparky X | 12:00 AM
10 Comments:
This is a great song and lyrics is so good too.
It is a great song... :) I wish I knew Chinese better. I can't understand all the lyrics. :(
Don't think of yourself as being unattractive. I have come to the conclusion that when I see a guy that is "too good to be true", it is more than likely that he is gay, you included. Tell me what girl in the world who wouldn't want a guy that is fit, well kept, who cleans, who cooks, who can also be a handy man in the house? I think you lot is just too picky.
You have so much heart and I have always admired that about you. And yes, people are fickle: friends, family, loved ones. But hold steadfast to the qualities that make you a good person and don't let people's fickleness make you become a half-glass empty person. Let's just accept people for people. Let's accept the inherent imperfections of life and enjoy the beauty that exists within these imperfections. But let's not doubt for one minute that heart doesn't matter. It does.
I don't know if you ever watched the kids show captain planet back in the day, but in order to summon the super-hero captain planet (ok, im so corny but bear with me) 5 kids use their "special rings". The five powers are earth, fire, wind, water, and last HEART. HEART has been the butt of every joke about captain planet. What the HELL does HEART DOooO? To me, heart is essence, heart is soul, heart is uncodnitional love and compassion towards others despite their fickleness. I hope you continue to have heart, because that's what I respect and admire and about you. :-)
Love,
The
Nuriko... so... it sounds like you know of more than one gay dude... lol... let me tell ya... not all gay dudes are "fit, well kept, who cleans, who cooks, who can also be a handy man in the house". LOL... If you know of such a person... PLEASE introduce me to him!!! :) If I introduce you to some of my bitchy gay friends... you will change your mind in a heart beat!!!
Moocaltrain... *HUGS*
Thanks for the inspirational words. I read them this morning and it was definitely uplifting for me. I agree with what you said about not letting people's flickleness get to me... it's just part of life... sometimes that's not how others really are, it's just how the circumstances worked out... I guess we just have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and think the better of others.
Yes... I remember Captain Planet... lol... :)
Yes... I will continue to have heart. Remember what I said about you having heart in the car on our way to the big old gay club? :) That's why you will become a great doctor.
Love,
Sparky
Stay true to yourself Sparky.
hmmm... it's hard to stay true to yourself sometimes... especially when no one around you feels the same way... :P
We can't change others... you can only change yourself...
just that I came across this article and thought you might be interested. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1704660,00.html
Thanks nuriko for the article. :) It is quite interesting of a read. I didn't know that gays comsumed so much more porn than others! LOL...!
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