Stoic

Stoic. "Stone like in appearance. Unemotional. Unfeeling." That's my definition of "stoic". Before making a fool of myself on my own blog, if I haven't already, I decided to look up the word before using it as the title of this blog. I looked it up at dictionary.com and I was surprised to find out that it has more than just a meaning of "unfeeling". It is actually a term used to describe disciples of Zeno, a Greek philosopher from 308 BC, who founded the "Stoic School of Philosophy". Zeno taught people to "be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity". (dictionary.com)

I think I chose the perfect word to describe myself. I feel stoic these days. Did I use the word right? (Damn those SATs...)

I don't know how to analyze my inner feelings beyond this point. I wish I had the chance to take psychology back in high school and college. If I did, perhaps, I would know what "phase" I am in now...?

I don't know much about what's going on inside. I just know that perhaps acceptance is the answer. Or perhaps just simply being indifferent to life itself. I know that these feelings or thoughts are really not who I am, but then again, who am I to say who I am... after all, a crazy person would never call himself crazy... only a sane people would ever call himself crazy. I'm crazy. There... I'm not really crazy... so, don't stop reading my blog. :) On second thought... who has time to read my blogs? Me. :T

SIGH... Stoic.

I overwhelmingly feel this emotion when I'm at work or when I'm alone. I can't seem to be able to tap into that "happier inner me" these days. Normally taking a walk and simply enjoying the surroundings is enough to make me feel happier, but today's walk along the downtown waterfront didn't do much... I even caught myself wanting to turn back, but since I didn't walk for at least 30 minutes... I noticeably forced myself to take a detour.

Am I depressed? Maybe. Depressed about what? Everything..? Why do I feel teary eyed now? Not sure. Gotta drop by the restroom... screw it... I ain't crying...

Am I unhappy about something? Not really. There's nothing that sticks out and shouts "unhappy" to me. Oohh... stoic. Perhaps secretly I've become *a* stoic (used as a noun this time).

I think that's it. How fascinating. I didn't even need to attend the "Stoic School of Philosophy" and I've passed with flying colors of the rainbow. hmm... bad humor.. sigh... be stoic to that...

Being a stoic and feeling stoic kinda unmotivated me in writing in this blog. The last real blog was May 22nd... almost a month ago. I actually attempted to write a few times in the recent weeks, but writer's block took over each time I launched blogger. So, does it mean that I'm no longer stoic since I'm blogging now? Interesting. Maybe I'm using my subconscious mind to think as I consciously type. Hmm... don't know if that's possible... damn... psychology class... damn...

Stoic... fuck it... I feel like a pebble.