Growing Young
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor."
As a child, we always looked forward to growing up and becoming doctors, lawyers, and astronauts, but we never thought twice about growing young again. I'm not talking about botox and wrinkle cream young. I'm not even talking about being "young at heart" young. I'm talking about being "young in mind" young... not the "good" version of it either.
In Chinese, we have a saying that goes something like this... "Fon Lo Won Tung"... meaning... an old person turning into a child again. As a kid, I remember how my mom talked about how sometimes the elderly become child-like again when they grow into really old age. They lose their sense of cognitive reasoning and ability to function independently. This leads into another Chinese saying that my fraternal grandmother said during an argument with my mother... it goes something like this... "Yearn Yee Fong Lo"... meaning to "raise the young to guard against old age."
I guess from these traditional sayings, the Chinese already knew of this aging phenomenon early on and knew what to do about it too. The answer is to have kids and the goal is to have a male kid first.
As I grow older, I watch my parents grow younger. Essentially, over time, I will become my parents' "father". Over the past two three weeks, I witnessed how my mom has retreated to her childhood. In the face of an aging body and the need to have surgery, she's lost some of her once self-assured and strong headed personality.
She's become doubtful of things and needs constant reassurance from those around her. She is scheduled for back surgery on April 14th and neck surgery again later in the year. She's suffered from severe back pain for over 20 plus years already and finally decided that back surgery is what is needed. She's fought the on-going pain for so long because she feared that if something went wrong, she wouldn't be able to care for us as kids. Now that all of us are grown, she's the child that needs the caring.
"I don't know why, but as I age, I have more and more fears", is what she said two weeks ago. Just out of no where, she said that to no one in particular. This thought must have been festering in her for quite a long time for her to simply just say that. After hearing her words and digesting it for a good minute or so, I realized what she was saying. She needed reassurance that everything was going to be okay and that no matter what happened, she would not be left alone unprotected.
As her eldest child and the only one with a driver's license in NY, I've been taking my parents around Brooklyn to shop for a new single seater couch that's "firm", "has a high back", "low", and has a "shallow seat". In other words... a couch made for short Asian people with back pain. I told her that such a couch doesn't exist. I was mean for saying something like that to her, but I did say it after driving her around over two Saturdays to allow her to find out for herself. If she found such a couch, I would have no qualms buying it for her. But, if you know what "firm" means to a Chinese, you know... no showroom in the US would have it.
To her, the couch represented her "safety net", her "comfort zone", her "cushioning", if you will, after her surgery where she could retreat to on her own. It was also a subconscious "test" of those around her to see if we stuck around for her. My dad wanted to past this test at all cost... he wanted to buy her whatever couch she wanted. I kinda failed the test at the end, because I broke it to her that the couch didn't exist... to redeem myself, I told her that after surgery, she won't need such a couch, meaning that she would be able to sit on a regular couch and have no pain. She twisted my words and said, "You are right. I won't need such a couch", implying that she won't be able to sit at all.
How do you respond to such a childish come back statement from someone that's no longer reasoning like an adult, but like a child? I didn't respond, but continued to pack my bag to head back to the studio.
Over the past weeks, I've been talking to her about how modern equipment has made medical procedures safer and how recovery time for patients has shortened. She would listen and agree to what I was saying at the moment and would even chime in that she really need not worry so much, but those moments are so brief, before she starts worrying like a child again. All the prep talk that I have given in great detail to reassure her doesn't seem to stick at all. I've done research on her doctor and I've read all her medical reports (she insists) and I've done everything that I could possibly do short of performing the surgery myself.
Feeling that none of us could provide her the assurance that she needed, she went to see a psychic... two in fact... two psychics. The first psychic told her to have surgery on certain months and that everything was going to be fine. She was happy about it, but still wasn't sure, so she saw a second psychic and the second psychic told her the complete opposite of what the first psychic said regarding which months was good for her. This freaked her out and she was back at square one. When she told the second psychic that her surgery was scheduled already, the second psychic said it was okay as long as if she performed a ritual for her. After the ritual, she felt more relieved.
I have to remind myself constantly... she is like a child now. I have to treat her like one within reason, but it is hard to become your parents' "father". I've been a "father" to my younger sisters during my teen years and now I'm "father" again for my parents. I can't even begin to describe this phenomenon... this reversal of roles. I'm only able to describe the interactions that occurred, but to be there to experience the moment, is so daunting... such a heavy responsibility.
In a way, I've been a "father" all my life. I haven't experienced a proper childhood where I was only a child. I've grown to be a worrisome adult of 31 yo, but feeling 80 and fruitless. Where is the child that will "guard against my old age" as my late fraternal grandmother had put it? It even seems or sounds selfish of me to talk about myself; where the bigger picture is my mother's surgery. How could I be so selfish?
The fact of the matter is, I'm not selfish. I'm realistic. I do realize that my life will be a worrisome one. I'm 31yo... I'm afraid that I will take after my mom's health. I, after all, genetically speaking, and characteristically speaking, am most like my mom. I already have minor aches and pains in my joints, characteristic of my mom in her 30's. I on the other hand have less to worry about if I do need surgery. I have no children to look after. But, what about when I grow young again? Who will be there to talk me out of the corner and assure me that modern medicine is as good as it really is?
At times, I've thought about adopting a child whether I end up with someone or not. But, on the other hand, it seems selfish of me to do so... would I only be adopting a child to "guard against old age"? I would think not, as I have much to offer as a father; not as a "father". But, the thought of potentially being selfish in adopting a child does scare me.
I have many fears in life. The first one is abandonment. The second one is isolation. I've mastered the latter one, but there are moments where the fear does get the better of me. There's a strong part of me that doesn't want to grow young in isolation, but it is also a fact that I've grown more comfortable with. Where other's "settle for less", I've settled for none. Not, because "I'm all that", but because just settling with someone without a profound love for the person is simply unacceptable to me. I want to be with someone because of love, not because of fear.
So, how do you grow young when you are alone in life? Or do you?
In recent months, I've grown worrisome over money and my health. Subconsciously, growing young with money is better off than growing young broke. At least with money you can buy assurance from professionals... aka therapists of all sorts. You can also buy company, aka pets. I've refrained from finding a new pet, although I've thought seriously about one. I've decided against a pet at this time because a pet is like a child and I'm refusing to "father" a pet now. I'm back at square one.
Growing young is a phase where I believe everyone will go through. I've seen plenty of it at Coney Island Hospital where I volunteered as a nurse's assistant. I think it is definitely more common in those that are experiencing health related issues. We can't take the child out of the grown man or woman. We can only cater to the child in an understanding and patient way. I have yet to master this and perhaps with this understanding of having adult children, I can grow old and stay old to the end of days.
"A doctor."
As a child, we always looked forward to growing up and becoming doctors, lawyers, and astronauts, but we never thought twice about growing young again. I'm not talking about botox and wrinkle cream young. I'm not even talking about being "young at heart" young. I'm talking about being "young in mind" young... not the "good" version of it either.
In Chinese, we have a saying that goes something like this... "Fon Lo Won Tung"... meaning... an old person turning into a child again. As a kid, I remember how my mom talked about how sometimes the elderly become child-like again when they grow into really old age. They lose their sense of cognitive reasoning and ability to function independently. This leads into another Chinese saying that my fraternal grandmother said during an argument with my mother... it goes something like this... "Yearn Yee Fong Lo"... meaning to "raise the young to guard against old age."
I guess from these traditional sayings, the Chinese already knew of this aging phenomenon early on and knew what to do about it too. The answer is to have kids and the goal is to have a male kid first.
As I grow older, I watch my parents grow younger. Essentially, over time, I will become my parents' "father". Over the past two three weeks, I witnessed how my mom has retreated to her childhood. In the face of an aging body and the need to have surgery, she's lost some of her once self-assured and strong headed personality.
She's become doubtful of things and needs constant reassurance from those around her. She is scheduled for back surgery on April 14th and neck surgery again later in the year. She's suffered from severe back pain for over 20 plus years already and finally decided that back surgery is what is needed. She's fought the on-going pain for so long because she feared that if something went wrong, she wouldn't be able to care for us as kids. Now that all of us are grown, she's the child that needs the caring.
"I don't know why, but as I age, I have more and more fears", is what she said two weeks ago. Just out of no where, she said that to no one in particular. This thought must have been festering in her for quite a long time for her to simply just say that. After hearing her words and digesting it for a good minute or so, I realized what she was saying. She needed reassurance that everything was going to be okay and that no matter what happened, she would not be left alone unprotected.
As her eldest child and the only one with a driver's license in NY, I've been taking my parents around Brooklyn to shop for a new single seater couch that's "firm", "has a high back", "low", and has a "shallow seat". In other words... a couch made for short Asian people with back pain. I told her that such a couch doesn't exist. I was mean for saying something like that to her, but I did say it after driving her around over two Saturdays to allow her to find out for herself. If she found such a couch, I would have no qualms buying it for her. But, if you know what "firm" means to a Chinese, you know... no showroom in the US would have it.
To her, the couch represented her "safety net", her "comfort zone", her "cushioning", if you will, after her surgery where she could retreat to on her own. It was also a subconscious "test" of those around her to see if we stuck around for her. My dad wanted to past this test at all cost... he wanted to buy her whatever couch she wanted. I kinda failed the test at the end, because I broke it to her that the couch didn't exist... to redeem myself, I told her that after surgery, she won't need such a couch, meaning that she would be able to sit on a regular couch and have no pain. She twisted my words and said, "You are right. I won't need such a couch", implying that she won't be able to sit at all.
How do you respond to such a childish come back statement from someone that's no longer reasoning like an adult, but like a child? I didn't respond, but continued to pack my bag to head back to the studio.
Over the past weeks, I've been talking to her about how modern equipment has made medical procedures safer and how recovery time for patients has shortened. She would listen and agree to what I was saying at the moment and would even chime in that she really need not worry so much, but those moments are so brief, before she starts worrying like a child again. All the prep talk that I have given in great detail to reassure her doesn't seem to stick at all. I've done research on her doctor and I've read all her medical reports (she insists) and I've done everything that I could possibly do short of performing the surgery myself.
Feeling that none of us could provide her the assurance that she needed, she went to see a psychic... two in fact... two psychics. The first psychic told her to have surgery on certain months and that everything was going to be fine. She was happy about it, but still wasn't sure, so she saw a second psychic and the second psychic told her the complete opposite of what the first psychic said regarding which months was good for her. This freaked her out and she was back at square one. When she told the second psychic that her surgery was scheduled already, the second psychic said it was okay as long as if she performed a ritual for her. After the ritual, she felt more relieved.
I have to remind myself constantly... she is like a child now. I have to treat her like one within reason, but it is hard to become your parents' "father". I've been a "father" to my younger sisters during my teen years and now I'm "father" again for my parents. I can't even begin to describe this phenomenon... this reversal of roles. I'm only able to describe the interactions that occurred, but to be there to experience the moment, is so daunting... such a heavy responsibility.
In a way, I've been a "father" all my life. I haven't experienced a proper childhood where I was only a child. I've grown to be a worrisome adult of 31 yo, but feeling 80 and fruitless. Where is the child that will "guard against my old age" as my late fraternal grandmother had put it? It even seems or sounds selfish of me to talk about myself; where the bigger picture is my mother's surgery. How could I be so selfish?
The fact of the matter is, I'm not selfish. I'm realistic. I do realize that my life will be a worrisome one. I'm 31yo... I'm afraid that I will take after my mom's health. I, after all, genetically speaking, and characteristically speaking, am most like my mom. I already have minor aches and pains in my joints, characteristic of my mom in her 30's. I on the other hand have less to worry about if I do need surgery. I have no children to look after. But, what about when I grow young again? Who will be there to talk me out of the corner and assure me that modern medicine is as good as it really is?
At times, I've thought about adopting a child whether I end up with someone or not. But, on the other hand, it seems selfish of me to do so... would I only be adopting a child to "guard against old age"? I would think not, as I have much to offer as a father; not as a "father". But, the thought of potentially being selfish in adopting a child does scare me.
I have many fears in life. The first one is abandonment. The second one is isolation. I've mastered the latter one, but there are moments where the fear does get the better of me. There's a strong part of me that doesn't want to grow young in isolation, but it is also a fact that I've grown more comfortable with. Where other's "settle for less", I've settled for none. Not, because "I'm all that", but because just settling with someone without a profound love for the person is simply unacceptable to me. I want to be with someone because of love, not because of fear.
So, how do you grow young when you are alone in life? Or do you?
In recent months, I've grown worrisome over money and my health. Subconsciously, growing young with money is better off than growing young broke. At least with money you can buy assurance from professionals... aka therapists of all sorts. You can also buy company, aka pets. I've refrained from finding a new pet, although I've thought seriously about one. I've decided against a pet at this time because a pet is like a child and I'm refusing to "father" a pet now. I'm back at square one.
Growing young is a phase where I believe everyone will go through. I've seen plenty of it at Coney Island Hospital where I volunteered as a nurse's assistant. I think it is definitely more common in those that are experiencing health related issues. We can't take the child out of the grown man or woman. We can only cater to the child in an understanding and patient way. I have yet to master this and perhaps with this understanding of having adult children, I can grow old and stay old to the end of days.
posted by Sparky X | 10:45 AM
1 Comments:
Best wishes to your mom.
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