JetBlue Blues...

...an email to a friend...

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I feel unmotivated to travel... :T or to do anything "special" (the real reason why I didn't see the lion dance on New Year's)... I know this is the case because I feel that I can't really retain or share these moments with someone special. This fact took a while to register in my head as to why I have been reluctant to go anywhere, but instead to cash in on my 2006 vacation days, but I really knew the answer all along... even when I visited you last year. Sorry... I really have no plans to travel. Perhaps this is a very direct answer, but I know this is true and probably won't change much in the near future either. Maybe I'm being silly, but I lack the desire to go anywhere. I'm fine... I just wanted to get this out in the open so you won't ask or wonder why I don't visit. It's nothing personal, but entirely emotional. I just don't feel it.

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I do realize that when I traveled in the past, it was usually with someone special, for business, with family, or because I just needed to get far far away from home. The last time I traveled across the Atlantic was an attempt to refresh myself and to "let go" of my first love after several failed attempts to "get on the same page". I had to leave. I stayed in Switzerland with my godfather for two weeks and traveled the local Basel area mostly on my own... not speaking a word of German. I actually welcomed the non-communicative part of the trip. I ordered all my meals at a local McDonalds by pointing and showing how many fingers... thank God for order by number. The locals welcomed me with smiles and often asked if I was there for school. I would grin back and say "no". My slow strodes across Basel often started around 10am in the morning and would extend into the evening. Not saying a single word for hours at a time; just thinking, pondering, and wondering about life.

There were a night or two where I spoke more than usual... heart-to-heart talks with my godfather... which ended in tears, but they were tears of recovery or at least on the path towards recovery. It was in Switzerland where I learned that my heart only offered geniune love and nothing short of this. My heart is totally incapable of offering "puppy-love"... I would never say, "I love you" and only mean it temporarily.

In any case, I feel like I need to once again get far far away from home. This time to simply let go of "love" for a while. Love that doesn't love back is the norm it seems in the gay world. Maybe men ARE pigs... straight or gay or confused for that matter. lol..! But the problem is... I don't want to travel. I've even lost that desire to travel to "get well". Deep inside I know this is true because I know it won't help this time around. I feel I'm all knotted up on the inside. I'm not so sure where to start untangling it all. But, I do realize that I need to stand up to all of this and to do something about it. I'm trying to tap in deep within myself to harness this inner energy, but that energy is so elusive.

I've decided that I'm going to throw myself in different directions to shake things a bit, perhaps this would shed some light into this complex knot. Mathematical knot theory dates back to the 19th century and are still used today to resolve the most complex problems found in nature. For example, a knot is viewed as a mathematical object and can be used to describe DNA structures in molecular biology. But unlike knot theory, there is no written equation to tackle in life. No equation, no answer, no explanation... maybe I'm doomed for good this time. In any case, I will have to take different steps in life now, instead of staying stationary all the time.

Perhaps, like many have said, it takes love to replace love... it takes another person to fill a void left by another... hmmm... I dunno. Can't I just get better first then find love?

I am a super strong person by nature, but my internal struggles are tiring me out for sure. I bake cookies for my roomies these days as self therapy... I've been quite successful in making them both fat... while I ate one or none at all... I've managed to lose weight instead. My cookies are deadly... I've even shipped them 3000 miles to make another friend of mine fat. lol..! Perhaps if I were able to make everyone fat out there, I would be able to... wait... if I made everyone fat, I would only be able to date fat men... hmmm... I guess I'll refrain from conquering the world with my cookies.

What next? Move on... move on... move on...