3rd Encounter

This is a continuation to "Grande Finale"...

"...
The path is long.
The distance is far.
I glide with each push.
I fly with each star.
..."

My third encounter with this panda and monkey loving boy altered the entire course of my life. A brief 10 minute heart to heart conversation in the stairwell lead to things that I only spoke of in my prayers days before.

The path was a long one. The distance I needed to travel was far... with each stride I made, I felt I got closer to understanding my destiny. The beginning of the journey was simply wonderful. I felt that I could reach the stars.

It was in SS 104 where we sat side by side; he was to my right and we sat on the far side of the room with the windows behind us. I always found studying history to be boring in high school, but I decided that I would try to view history differently now. As he sat down next to me, he nervously, not making any eye contact whispered to me in a weird tone of voice, "I have something to tell you after class." This wasn't the first time he said this to me in class. The first time he said it was perhaps a few days prior. That time, I made an honest effort to leave right after class as quickly as I could. Instincts told me that I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I largely tried to avoid him after our second encounter for a week or two. I later understood why this instinct kicked in.

After he whispered to me in that tone of voice again, I grew nervous. Thoughts filled my head. Bad thoughts. These bad thoughts were an answer to my prayers. The prayers I made on the night prior to me turning 20 years old. When I made my birthday prayers, I was very depressed and wondered what I was suppose to accomplish in life.

A portion of my prayers went something like this: "...God. I'm going to turn 20 years old tomorrow. I will no longer be a teenager. I don't know what is going to happen in my life, but what I do know is that something is going to change. I don't know what, but I know that something will happen...."

When I said this prayer, simple as it may seem, it had a deeper profound meaning. I knew the anxiety problem and the depression that I was having was not just caused by stress from work or from school. The "problem" that I was covering up was more deeply rooted and was not going to go away by taking pills or Tums. Even when I spoke with god (small "g" because I wasn't a Christian yet) back then, I wasn't able to talk about certain things. I was afraid that talking about or acknowledging certain things would make them real or perhaps god would punish me or something. It was a self imposed unfounded fear.

My nervousness grew during the entire lecture to the point where my anxiety kicked in and I had difficulty breathing and my hands turned ice cold. I sat there during lecture trying to calm myself down and I took these long deep breathes to relax. I tried to distract myself by staring at objects around the room and that's when my eyes landed on panda boy's old black binder. He was tracing a symbol drawn with white-out with his closed pen. The symbol was "λ". The symbol stands for "liberation", which I didn't know at the time, but the two sets of symbols next to "λ" was unmistakable. The two sets of symbols were "♂" and "♀" intertwined, but they weren't intertwined together as in "♂♀", but were "♂♂" and "♀♀" instead. I gasped at this and my heart started to race and I felt my blood pressure go up.

"MY GOD... is he...? MY GOD... is he going to ask me if I'm...? MY GOD... is he going to tell me that he likes me?? What does that mean?? OH SHIT." These thoughts made me even more nervous as I became so uncomfortable with myself and with him sitting next to me. Before I could come to any conclusions, the lecture was over and we started to pack our bags.

"Please wait. I have to tell you something." Panda boy's nervousness was so obvious.

"Okay. Where do you want to talk?" As I responded, I shifted into one of my alternate personalities. I was the "listener" now and was no longer "Sparky", the boy with the anxiety problem. My heart stopped racing, my anxiety subsided, and my hands were starting to have feelings again.

"Let's just walk..." He had his head down as he said that and was looking very uneasy and preoccupied. I suggested that we go into one of the empty classrooms but none was available. As we circled around the second floor he asked me, "How do you feel about homosexuals?" As he ended this question, he took a deep breath and his eyes darted at me, trying to catch my reaction. He has the cutest stares. I was still the "listener", so I responded with a small chuckle, "Well... I don't hate them or anything. Why do you ask?" I had an easy going appearance across my face and quickly stared back at him, but I knew the "listener" was starting to leave my body.

We ended up in the stairwell where we started to make out and feel each other up like animals. No! LOL... That was just a joke.

We ended up in the stairwell where he took one long look at me, took a deep breath, and said, "Because I'm gay" as he exhaled relief and solicited a reply through his deep brown eyes.

"Oookaayy..."

"How do you feel about me now?"

"Well... I know I don't hate you." After saying that, the "listener" left my body and I was just Sparky again.... but, my anxiety didn't rear its head. I was actually okay. "How do you know? I mean how did you find out about yourself?" I was asking these questions selfishly for myself. I was actually interested in the methods he used to come to terms with his sexuality and not his actual process. Yes, I was selfish, but I was also desperate for answers. At this moment, I thought back to my birthday prayers... "...I don't know what, but I know that something will happen..." and it was happening. God answered my prayers after one week.... actually, He was trying to answer them much earlier, but I just didn't listen.

Panda boy told me his stories on how he went to these workshops at "The Center" and I listened intently. After he was done, I chuckled an uneasy and fearful chuckle and said, "I'm asking... because I think I am too." I couldn't say the word "gay". My heart started to race again, but this time it wasn't anxiety knocking at the door. It was the shock from self-confrontation, self-acknowledgement, and self-awareness. Again, the big brown eyes stared back and he thought I was joking with him. Noting his disbelief in me, I went into a long explanation to assure him that I wasn't lying to him. When he was assured, he told me that he could help me and that he had reading materials to share with me.

We instantly became good buddies and had an innate understanding of each other. This feeling is often felt between newbies to the gay world. It is a very mutual feeling of understanding and total ease. It feels as if a dark secret was finally out in the open and no body actually cared about it. We were all smiles as we shook hands and left the stairwell on our separate ways. He reassured me that he was going to share more of his experiences with me.

I went home happy and at ease that day... something totally new to me.

Our 3rd encounter marked the start of our self-discovery process. We were both young and naive and had much to learn. Learn we did... Little did we know what was installed for us next.

The gay world can be a very lonely place of self-isolation and self-denial... especially for previous generations. Just look at Senator Craig. These individuals often live secret lives through manipulation and lies to cover their tracks; in order to satisfy their innate needs of self-exploration and self-expression. Those in their paths fall victim to their selfish needs; especially when they are in positions of power.

Panda boy and I was unfortunate enough to encounter one of these manipulative men of power. He first won us over with his words, just to rape us with them next. It was my fault. I introduced panda boy to him.