Striking a Chord

Well, it's been a good two weeks since my last post. It hasn't been exactly an easy two weeks either. I think I dealt with everything quite well. My mom is now at home recovering from the surgery and she is suppose to get a nurse from the Visiting Nurse Services to help her for a few hours each week. She is getting better and better each day. Now, what's left is to see if the surgery did what it was suppose to do... which is to allow her to live a back pain and nerve pain free life. The doctors are saying that it is going to take a little more time. She still has nerve pain and numbness down her right leg. I hope that recedes. I will post some pics in another blog of her back.

I've been having some problems sleeping at night since I've been sleeping over at my parent's couch a few nights a week. I've even started hearing sounds at night. My nephew and sister came up from Florida on Tuesday and were sleeping in my parent's room. I could have sworn I heard my nephew cry at night and that my sister was comforting him on Wednesday night, but my sister and parents told me otherwise on Thursday. LOL...! Great... I can't sleep AND I'm hearing things. I KNOW I was awake because I got up and looked towards my parent's room and still heard the sounds. Oh well... maybe I was tapping into "another world". I tend to have heightened senses when I'm stressed out.

I've been relying heavily on music to de-stress these days. I blast the music in the car and "dance" around in my seat as I drive. It helps me to briefly lose myself in the day to day on-goings. At night, I listen to my iPod and "dance" in bed until I get tired and fall asleep.

I sung last night and two nights before to the Jewish boy above me. I figured if I have to hear him sing... he should hear me "sing" at night too. I had my iPod blasting and I was singing every other word and mumbling every third word to "Teardrops On My Guitar" (by Taylor Swift), as I played my imaginary air guitar in bed... I got so in to it, that I must have played the song like over 10 times before my hands and arms got tired. I even got so hot that I stripped down to my boxers to cool off... well, boxer briefs last night... sleeping totally nude is... hmm.. a bit funky.

"Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be"

As I read the words of the song (after googling it in bed), I started to feel an overwhelming sadness come over me. Certain thoughts filled my mind and certain images just popped up randomly, but this overwhelming urge of wanting to break free of the past propelled me to puck my air guitar even more. Closing my eyes, bobbing my head to the beat, and biting my lips as I stroke each chord helped me descend to neutral ground where I was back in control.

"He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night"

One thing I do realize is that my past makes me who I am today and who I want to become. I've talked it out with my counselor during my last session and what I want is to understand the past, but not hold on to it. Holding on to dead weight slows me down. Understanding the past is the difficult part.... over analysis causes paralysis too.

"She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause"

"Luck"... I'm starting to understand that I don't have luck in my life. I don't think "luck" ever stopped by me on its way. Although I don't have "luck" on my side, I have something else... resilience. This resilience is great, but I often find myself being tired and wondering when I'm going to have to simply-- give up. I guess this is one reason why I find Hillary such an excellent candidate for the presidency. The difference between her and me, is that she shows no signs of wanting to give up. This is what we need in a president. Anyway, back to being resilient. I think I'm rewarded by God for being resilient. Somehow... everything just comes together at the end for the better. The results may not be what I wanted, but may be what's best for me. Sometimes, I feel that I have no choice, but to accept certain things.

"So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight"

My body is tired. My mind is tired. My emotions are running wild. I function because I can. I persevere because I want to. I just need to sometimes slow down and let go of some baggage so I can go a little further. I will not place blame, but will embrace the events... to understand them... for the future.

"'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do"

I don't have anyone special to confide to, so I sing it all out of my soul. I find strangers to share my stories, in an attempt to not burn up in flames. I'm determined to find that key... to set things free.

"He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see"

Things are not always as they seem. We will always want to see things our way; through the spectacles of our past. At times we wish our spectacles were tinted to protect us from the truth. I choose to see through them with a magnified perspective. This is where the past and the present closes it's gap and the way to the future is forged. Much like how dirt and water together can form the foundations of a home.