Passing the Torch
A week from today would be more than "all over" for me. When I turned 30 last year, it was already considered "gay death". Well, I hung on to another full year, but it is time to pass the torch to the younger gay crowd.
I guess I have had my time and my moment to shine in the gay community. Well, at least I had my chance if not exactly my time or moment. Sometimes the past decade seem as if it was a total blur to me. Knowing or hoping that it really wasn't, I often think hard of the things I've done or accomplished. Luckily, I can come up with a few. Perhaps I may be too hard on myself? I guess... I often set very high standards for myself. Often too harsh... never allowing myself to be imperfect.
Knowing that "gay death" is certain next Wednesday, I don't really feel much additional sadness. I suppose that this "dying" has had its run for some time already. In a way, "gay death" is nothing different as opposed to "gay living" to me. I never took the path most taken by other gay men. I suppose I took the path that was least taken? So, does that mean that it was a good thing? If it's a good thing, why do I feel sad about it instead of being proud? In literature, we often are encouraged to take chances by taking the path least taken as demonstrated by the rewards for the protagonists, can this be wrong? I suppose it is possible, afterall, stories are stories...
Sometimes I wish I could reinvent myself like our gay idol, Madonna. Year after year, she just gets better and better. For her, age is a compliment to her life, not something that weighs her down and burns her out.
One thing that I did learn about myself in recent years is that I have this genuine character quality when it comes to love. I cannot give it under false pretenses, I cannot receive it deceptively for self gain, and I cannot take it back once given. It is a quality and a curse. This character quality has no value to others. It is only a quality because I think it is. So, in a way, it is a self-consolation quality... in other words, it is a curse.
Some say that, "It is better to have loved once than to have never loved before." I'm not so sure that I'm convinced. My co-worker texted me this statement two years ago while I was on a ski trip. I remember clearly that night when I was reading the message on my cellphone. We were all headed towards the airport at the end of our week long Colorado ski trip. I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to be convinced by this statement, but it never took hold of me on the inside. The wound was still too fresh and still is now, for some reason. If love were like cherry blossoms, I would blow it into the air to pave the paths of lovebirds and keep none.
I also finally realized that I have no outward characteristic that's worth noticing. In a crowd of a hundred, I will probably be close to the last being picked; just like how it was when it came to sports in school. I have no discernable talent that can be displayed like the feathers of a peacock. I don't have the voice to sing like the humming bird, the stature of a basketball player, the witty charm of Romeo, or the grace of a crane.
I am me.... a container for a soul unkept... Now that I'm "passing the torch", I can't help but wonder if it was ever lit.
I guess I have had my time and my moment to shine in the gay community. Well, at least I had my chance if not exactly my time or moment. Sometimes the past decade seem as if it was a total blur to me. Knowing or hoping that it really wasn't, I often think hard of the things I've done or accomplished. Luckily, I can come up with a few. Perhaps I may be too hard on myself? I guess... I often set very high standards for myself. Often too harsh... never allowing myself to be imperfect.
Knowing that "gay death" is certain next Wednesday, I don't really feel much additional sadness. I suppose that this "dying" has had its run for some time already. In a way, "gay death" is nothing different as opposed to "gay living" to me. I never took the path most taken by other gay men. I suppose I took the path that was least taken? So, does that mean that it was a good thing? If it's a good thing, why do I feel sad about it instead of being proud? In literature, we often are encouraged to take chances by taking the path least taken as demonstrated by the rewards for the protagonists, can this be wrong? I suppose it is possible, afterall, stories are stories...
Sometimes I wish I could reinvent myself like our gay idol, Madonna. Year after year, she just gets better and better. For her, age is a compliment to her life, not something that weighs her down and burns her out.
One thing that I did learn about myself in recent years is that I have this genuine character quality when it comes to love. I cannot give it under false pretenses, I cannot receive it deceptively for self gain, and I cannot take it back once given. It is a quality and a curse. This character quality has no value to others. It is only a quality because I think it is. So, in a way, it is a self-consolation quality... in other words, it is a curse.
Some say that, "It is better to have loved once than to have never loved before." I'm not so sure that I'm convinced. My co-worker texted me this statement two years ago while I was on a ski trip. I remember clearly that night when I was reading the message on my cellphone. We were all headed towards the airport at the end of our week long Colorado ski trip. I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to be convinced by this statement, but it never took hold of me on the inside. The wound was still too fresh and still is now, for some reason. If love were like cherry blossoms, I would blow it into the air to pave the paths of lovebirds and keep none.
I also finally realized that I have no outward characteristic that's worth noticing. In a crowd of a hundred, I will probably be close to the last being picked; just like how it was when it came to sports in school. I have no discernable talent that can be displayed like the feathers of a peacock. I don't have the voice to sing like the humming bird, the stature of a basketball player, the witty charm of Romeo, or the grace of a crane.
I am me.... a container for a soul unkept... Now that I'm "passing the torch", I can't help but wonder if it was ever lit.
posted by Sparky X | 3:41 PM
12 Comments:
What the heck is this Gay Death? I hope it's not STD's. :-p
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You silly... :) You can't get a STD if you don't slut around. At least I don't think so. :) You are still young... A gay dude reaching his 30th birthday is sometimes thought of as gay death because it marks the downhill run of gaydom. I've heard my share of "being old" jokes. And I'm guilty of dispensing them too. :) I suppose it's karma.
Don't be so sad. I will soon join your ranks as the "old unmarried grandmother". :P
LOL... "Grandmother" implies that you will at least have one kid and one grandchild... :)
Life is what you make of it, young one. There is a lot more out there, but you have to proactively seek out. While things do happen unexpectedly, it won't come to you unless you help it along.
That's not true. "Por" is just a generic term for an old lady. I bet you don't check to make sure an old lady you saw on the street has grandchildren before calling her a "por por". :P
Dear anonymous... I understand what you are saying and I agree with you, but life is a two way street. I've driven on my side with my Model T... hybrids rule now. :)
Then, Sparky, it is time for your Model T to make a U-turn and drive on the other side of the road.
Dear Anonymous... I hear what you are saying and I understand it too. I've tried before, perhaps not hard enough? I'm tired now. Maybe it is time to go away to start fresh. It seems that some people do that with success. And in response to the "driving on the other side of the road" comment, what I meant was that life is a two way street... it takes two to mingle... and nowadays, one to have a kid... maybe not all is lost. :)
'Two to mingle....' A roundabout way of saying that you're not getting out there enough. Didn't I already say something like, you need to help it come along??
Take the car out for a spin....
hmmm.... Anonymous... okay... I'll take my model T out for a spin... :)
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