Brain Tidbits

Hi. I'm back again. It's been a while... but I do have a few brain tidbits to share today. I finally decided to drop work during lunch to write a little. I have a feeling it's going to be a long blog. I'm not eating anything special for lunch today... actually, I'm eating my usual... a little of everything from the Amici buffet bar... the only thing that's different is that I'm eating less. Still kinda sick with this persistent cough that won't go away with antibiotics or antihistame. I couldn't sleep for two nights in a row again... I sat up all night in bed coughing my brains out. I need some TLC. :(

As I'm going through the motions of the day... a Rihana song is playing in my head. I've even sung a few words as I descended down 8 flights to get my lunch... I've been taking the stairs for the past month or so already... down only of course... besides, the door can't be opened from the first floor for security purposes.

"...Very entertaining, but it's over now. Go on and take a bow..."

This past weekend was a packed one. I started it off by taking my sisters and my sister's boyfriend to SBNY, a gay club/lounge on a Friday night. We ate at Republic and drank away at SBNY. The music wasn't good, but the company was great. Two straight girls and a straight guy at a gay club... lol... I told my sister's boyfriend to becareful when he was going to the bathroom, just in case some dude goes into the stall with him. LOL...! I scared him good. He grabbed my sister to go with him each time he went to the bathroom. LOL... Well... the evening was fun. We got somewhat drunk and my sister's boyfriend ended up puking. And oh... almost forgot.... he got so drunk that he pinched my nice round butt to tease me. LOL... We took a cab back to my parent's place and I stayed for the night. The following day, I took care of errands including taking my mom to see the doctor and getting my eyes checked for new contact lens. After dinner we went night fishing along the Toys R Us stretch of the Belt Parkway... we caught nothing and I lost my newly bought crab cage. *I was SO sad.* I felt like I just threw $6 into the Atlantic and didn't even get the pleasure of doing so. We ended the week at a potluck dinner to see a friend off to Cali... another soon to be ex-NY'er.

Perhaps... the grass is always greener on the other side.

"...And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not..."

Perhaps... one day I'll find Cali greener too.

"...You really had me going... But now it's time to go..."

So, I've taken some stumbles in the past and now I've begun to lick my wounds and crawl on. I've challenged myself recently to do something that I normally wouldn't do on my own. I've taken a beginner's hip hop class at the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater with instructor Tweetie.

This is her pic and this is her bio. She is great. She was recently featured on Oprah and taught the live audience to dance the "Snap Your Fingers" dance. :) I'm proud to say that I learn from the best! :)

I think through this act of doing something that's uncharacteristic of me, I've become less afraid of the outside world and a little less afraid of the inside world. I can say that I've grown a little as a person. I think it's a start for me to become who I think I can be. This is also my way of "solving" my anxiety issues. I still huddle by myself in the corner of class, but when the music comes on... the mind moves on and the body flows on. I tell ya... gyrating to Busta Rhymes is no joke dawg.

"...For making me believe that you could be... faithful to me..."

One thing that bothered me as the weekend came to a close, was the fact that my mother kept on trying to set me up with these girls that her factory worker friends are recommending that I date. She was telling me that one of the girls is a teacher, age 28, and was open to a blind date. Of course I would get to see her picture first and likewise she gets to see mine too. Isn't this sick? I can't believe that my parents are still into this. My mom even tried to put a huge guilt trip on me. She told me that she was going to be lying in her death bed like my grandmother and how my grandmother was "worrying" about my uncle because he was single and that no one was there to take care of him when she passes on. Isn't this sick?

This is still bothering me today. The grass on the other side is starting to look greener already.

"...You really had me going... But now it's time to go... Curtains finally closing..."

The curtains are finally closing... closing... closing... I've lost partial vision of my future.

Oh great... now I'm teary eyed at work... deep breath... breathe... I feel my eyes burning hot red.

I guess I'm still bothered by this because in some ways I believe this is going to be my future. Being alone.

"...That was quite a show... Very entertaining... But it's over now... Go on and take a bow..."

Take a bow... am I ready to take a bow?

Just over a week ago, a visiting friend, a pre-med, asked me, "Do you have manic depression?" I wasn't surprised by his question, but the answer is no. I don't have manic depression. I just occasionally have my down days. Don't you?

Well... I'm still struggling to grow out of my shell. I've been a hermit for so long that I don't know what color the sky is anymore. The hues of baby blue, once a vivid sight, never changing on canvas, is now gray... like the arrival of a storm. Or is the storm departing, making way for the hues of blue again?

I once asked my Aunt Rosa, "How far can our eyes see?" I asked her this question to break the silence as she walked me home from a weekend stay at her place. She replied, "As far as you can see into the sky." I now ask the same question, but as a man, not as a boy anymore, "How far can we see into our future?"

The answer is two fold... We can't "see" our future. We can only plan and work towards a possible future that we want. God does the rest.

The one thing that I do know at the moment is that I need do what feels right and what feels good and not hesitate too much. I need to plan for the worst case scenario, but at the same time, not let the worst case scenario rob me of precious time. My mom said something else to me, in addition to all the questions she had as to why I won't go on this blind date... she questioned me, "Why won't you sell the house? If you don't plan on getting married? Why do you need two places to live?" I had no answer for her, but I know the answer. I NEED the house because it is my future. My financial security blanket... in case, I can't work, don't have health insurance, and need the money to buy the care that I need. It's that simple. The house represents my life vest. But sometimes... I wonder, at that point... is it still worth it? One must still have hope, I suppose.

Sylvester's birthday is coming up real quick... he's been gone for two years already. I miss him very much. He was the only constant in my life that was good to me. Even though I've smacked him around before for peeing around the house or breaking things. He always forgave me and loved me for who I was. He was always by my side even when he was mad at me for not changing his litter pan or missed giving him his insulin when I was out clubbing. He was the most charitable to me.

As my day winds down at work... I have Tweetie to bring my spirits up again... We will hip hop our problems away... at least for an hour and a half. I wonder if that cute guy will be there today. He was all smiles and was enjoying the class by himself as I enjoyed myself looking at him... maybe that's why I couldn't get the "reebok" move right... unfortunately, I think he's straight. I guess straight dudes also go through similar things in life and occasionally need a good hip hop class to gyrate their problems away.

"Ready-- from the top... 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8... body roll... shake it...cross step... do the reebok to the left... do the reebok to the right... step... cross... shake it loose... head-on-battle!"