Death of a Birthday

The below was an email that I wrote to a close friend of mine in response to his "September 11th" email. His email was about how we all should remember to say "I love you" to those that we love and to remember that we are lucky to have each other. It was also an email that reflected on the lost of a nation and how we are continuously picking up the pieces that had fallen in our lives... his email took me 3 weeks to think about before replying to... in part because I've been struggling with my own inner demons. It just seems so easy to give up at times... but, I guess I'm in it for those "better days"...

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Hi NB... first off... I hope you enjoyed your weekend and took the time to enjoy the wonderful weather that we had... :)

For the past 3 weeks, I literally thought about the email you wrote me about September 11th every single day... I kept on telling myself..."Today is the day to respond to NB's email"... but somehow, I just wasn't ready to respond...

September 11th or the week's leading up to September 11th and the few weeks after September 11th is the most contemplating time of the year for me. My birthday is on September 12th...

Five years ago on September 11th... I found myself very alone... I had moved out with two roommates about 4 months before and they already left me and the apartment for California; telling me that they weren't coming back. I had this big wonderful Manhattan apartment all to myself, yet I wasn't "living" the life one expects to.

I was on the B train crossing the Manhattan Bridge heading to work from Brooklyn after staying with my parents for the weekend, when the first plane hit one of the World Trade Center towers... "My God... a plane just flew into the WTC!" said one man. "I think they are filming..." said another... I was struggling to get a glimpse on the crowded rush-hour train. I thought nothing about the situation until I was at the lobby of the IBM building at 590 Madison Ave.

"My God... my brother works in one of those buildings... I can't seem to reach him by phone. I have to get down there,” said one woman to her co-worker as she entered the elevator as I was exiting it to my floor.

"Don't worry. Everything will be okay. Don't worry." said her co-worker.
"I hope so..." she replied with tears in her eyes.

As I reached my desk and set up my work laptop, one of my co-workers came to me and said, "A second plane hit the WTC and they think it’s the terrorists..." He had a slight grin on his face... a grin not of happiness, but of disbelief. It finally sunk into me of what was going on around me as I gazed into the 19" TV we had in one of the Tele-Conference Rooms... it was unmistakable of what I was looking at despite the snowy screen. Multiple incomplete thoughts bounced in and out of my head until I finally pulled out my cell phone to make phone calls. No signal. The cell phone lines were all tied up. I started darting towards the phone in my office.

"Hello?? Hey... ma? Melissa? Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that two planes hit the WTC and they think its terrorism... I'mat work now and I think you should watch the news... call up everybody else when you get this message... call me."

"Hello KM? Are you home? Do you know what just happened? Two planes just flew into the WTC and they think it's terrorism. I also heard that the trains are not running. Is your mom home?"
"Yeah I just heard from Mandy and I've been watching the news. I don't know where my mom is. She probably headed to work."

"Hello? May I speak to IA please?"
"Hold on."
"Hello?"
"IA?"
"Oh my God! Thank God you are okay!" IA was crying on the phone real hard and was shaking. I heard it all in his voice. "When I heard the news I thought about you because you were working in the area and I thought something happened to you because I couldn't reach you on your cell phone and I'm so sorry for not calling you back yesterday. I thought your voicemail was the last time that I would ever hear your voice... I'm so sorry for not calling you back yesterday...!" He was just crying uncontrollably...
"It's okay... it's okay... I'm okay. I'm at the 590 Madison Ave office. I'm fine. Don't worry. Don't cry. Is your family okay?"
"Yeah..." I heard a big sigh of relief...
"Look. You should tell your family to stay home."
"Okay..."
"I have to call other people."
"Okay..."
"Go get online and I'll be there... so you can find me if you need. I'm okay. Don't worry. I'll talk to you later. Okay?"
"Okay..." another big sigh of relief...

I continued my mission that morning until I've called and left messages for all those I knew that might have been in the area. Letting out a big sigh of semi-relief and still waiting to hear from some... I thought... I've done my part... I was just lost in my thoughts when the news came... "One of the towers just collapsed!!" I ran to the conference room and watched the instant replay in disbelief thinking to myself... "How could this happen? What is happening?" I was just totally lost about the whole situation. I felt so sad; yet, I couldn't do anything, but just prayed for my loved ones.

As the rest of the horror movie unfolded, our company's director came around to us and announced that headcount was accounted for for those that were working in the area. "You guys can head home now. Be safe. I hope all will be okay." It was about 12 noon.

As I headed back home to E. 108th Street from 59th Street, I heard fighter jets streaming overhead left and right as if I was in the middle of a battle zone. I was... I was in the middle of a battle zone... in my own homeland. War.

As I walked for an hour towards uptown away from the WTC, at that point, it still wasn't coined the name "Ground Zero"... I saw a man in a full business suit sitting on the floor with soot on his face and latex gloves on... it seemed like he had ran a marathon. Gently panting for air and had a grimaced look on his face. I wanted to walk up to him to ask him if he was okay, but I was scared and alone. I made a judgement call that he was ok since he was not bleeding and that he was drinking from a bottle of water. I continued to walk by looking and continuously turning back to glimpse at him to make sure he didn't collapse, until he was no longer insight.

I finally reached the local supermarket downstairs across from mybuilding and I went in there to buy some food and supplies. I went back to my empty apartment and checked my messages on my answering machine... I made a few phone calls, including calling my godfather back in Switzerland. I turned on the TV and started capturing everything on tape. I sat there alone... sobbing... so far from home and so alone.

KM called me that afternoon and asked if I was okay. He said he would come see me and keep me company. I told him no and that I was okay because the trains weren't running and the traffic from all boroughs were being diverted away from Manhattan... besides, KM had only known me for less than three months and should really spend the time with his family. I watched the news for the rest of the night in my room from my bed.

The next day, KM came to see me by train, on my birthday. We made dinner together and enjoyed each other's company quietly... for a moment the world was okay... we were okay... no one out there was grieving for a lost loved one... that was the last birthday where I had no grieving prequel to my birthday...

For the past five years... weeks prior to my birthday, dark clouds would loom over me... bringing me such sad thoughts and memories. I am fortunate enough to not have lost any loved ones or friends in the tragedy. I still remember the time I traveled through the WTC PATH train station the day it reopened, about two years ago... it was eerie... deserted on it's opening day... I took the time to slowly stroll through the station feeling all those lost souls around me. I prayed for them and their family members quietly; I still do whenever I pass by. I stared into the big gaping hole in the ground and watched some people quietly mourn as they grasped onto the steel fences surrounding the hole; sort of as if they could somehow hold onto their lost loved ones. Tourists took pictures quietly; sticking their cameras beyond the fencing and understanding what we felt, what many of us still feel...

Five years had past since 9-11... this year was the first time in five years where I spent my birthday alone. This year was especially difficult for me. Not only had I had to deal with the usual pre-9-11 contemplation, I also had to go through a series of unfortunate circumstances... one following another... rolling into a big ball of gut twisting emotions.

On 9-11 of this year, a close co-worker of mine came up to me and told me that he was going through a divorce after eight years of marriage, and on the same day, my boss' dog, whom she cares for as her son, passed away after suffering from a spinal condition and becoming paralyzed during a doctor's visit. On 9-12, my recent/former boss' son was murdered. He was barely 2 years old. It was in the news. She had recently left the company to live in VA to raise her two children in her hometown. Bought a house and hired a nanny. It was the nanny's husband who killed the baby. He fled to a motel nearLaGuardia airport and was captured two days after. On 9-13, Sylvester almost died on me when I found him at 6:45 am in the morning choking on his last breath. It was unnatural... I don't know how it happened, but Sylvester had a very tight knot around his neck that was tied to a foldable chair. If that morning, I chose to ignore the noises I heard, he would have died. He actually tried to come upstairs to get help. But he collapsed after dragging a book bag and a chair weighing more than half his body weight, 9 feet across the room, to the stairs leading to the bedrooms. The knot was so tight around his neck that I couldn't even put a finger between the string and his neck to cut the string. He actually passed out and only came through after I freed him and cradled him in my arms. I felt so scared for him and for me... that I prayed aloud. "My Father, my Lord is with us. He is watching over us... keeping us safe from harm... in Jesus' name Ipray. Amen." I said this prayer with conviction and anger at whatever was in that room trying to harm Sylvester. Am I losing my mind? I just know that it was unnatural...

Over the past two weeks or so... I've gotten real tired. I've felt that those that I consider close to me are not turning out to be who I thought they were. I feel in a way that I have to let go of these friendships to some degree for my own sanity. Four friends in total... Just when I thought perhaps... the dark clouds above me are about to move on and only to return next year in time for my birthday, my roommate's grandfather passes away yesterday. I'm afraid that this trend of unfortunate events will continue. I find myself giving up at times... giving up on praying, especially during the most difficult times... I know I shouldn't, but I'm tired.

I've turned 30 this past 9-12. I don't know where I'm headed in life. I thought I had a plan. I thought I was on the right track. I find myself wondering a lot these days as to what I have to do to feel happy... I mean... truly happy. Not the type of happiness that one gets when hanging out with friends... but, the type, where one can sit back and just smile and say, "Life is good." That's all... is that much to ask for?

I try very hard to see everything in a good light. To see the brighter side of things and to move on pass the "bad things"... I guess I find myself getting tired emotionally. I know I shouldn't feel this way, as there are plenty of people out there in a worst situation than I. I don't know if I'm suppose to find comfort in this thought... but, sometimes I find that it helps to think this way...surely, it's not selfishness, or is it?

I do have my better days... I know I do. I have much to be thankful for. I do.

It just saddens me that, I don't think I can think of my birthday from now on in a positive light with thoughts of 9-11, my boss' dog, myboss' baby, my roommate's grandfather, my co-worker, my friends, and Sylvester in mind. I feel that I've lost the meaning of "happy" in"Happy Birthday"... the celebration of life.

The person I counted on most in the past five years didn't even send me a card in the mail or a gift on this "special" day. I know I've given him my all. I guess people do change or perhaps people are"just too busy"... or perhaps we all say that "life is busy" because we couldn't find the time to care much... perhaps unintentionally, but, the result is still the same...

My godfather in Switzerland also forgot my birthday... the first time in 12 years... or perhaps he's not around anymore... I wouldn't know because I haven't spoken to him since some time at the beginning of this year. He is HIV+. I wrote him a letter back in June saying thatI would call him when I got back from Cali... I didn't... I guess, I too have been "too busy" to care... but, I do care about him...

I have a pen pal that I've written to for over 12 years that tells me how things are in Tel Aviv... how he's not afraid of the Hezbollahs during the conflict with Israel this past summer... he's only afraid for his father's and sister's health... as they are very sick. He also tells me that he is afraid of not living a free life as a gay man... but, what does that mean? Can I live a "free life" as a gay man here??

"Living a free life as a gay man..." oh, this one opens a whole can of worms... I can go on forever...
I look at some of my gay friends and it makes me sad... everyone seems to be having relationship issues... not being able to "find a boyfriend", not happy with a current relationship, not willing to settle down because the grass is always greener on the other side, or those simply don't know how to appreciate what they already have, let alone always wanting more... I feel the saddest when I hear two of my good gay friends tell me that they feel "lonely"... I too feel alone... so, I can relate... I have to admit; I don't have much hope left when it comes to relationships... When one has given all he has, what else is left inside to give??

I'm sorry NB for rambling on in this very long email... I'm sorry if this dampens your day... I guess you can see all this as my reason for not replying back to your email for close to a month.

NB, I too want to let you know that you are a very important part of my life.

I will try my best to take the below quote to heart... I too will say... "I love you..."

> Let me respectfully remind you
> Life and death are of supreme importance.
> Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost.
> Each of us should strive to awaken....
> Awaken....
> Take heed…
> This night your days are diminished by one.
> Do not squander your life.
>
> - A Zen Buddhist Evening Gatha

--"If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me." - W.H. Auden, 1907-1973

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The Morning After

The below is an email that I just sent my roomie about something freakish from this morning...

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hey dude... something freakish happend this morning... don't get scared... but, if you plan to... don't read the below until I'm home...

Around 6:45am or a bit earlier... did you hear a LOUD THUMP?? I did and it woke me up... I thought it was you that dropped a textbook on the floor or something... so, I didn't get up... then I started to hear some rattling sounds every 1 minute... again, I thought it was you... I continued to sleep... until something told me to wake up... I listened for another few minutes of the rattling... it wasn't intense, just a fraction of a second every 30 seconds... so, I decided to check it out because at this point, I didn't think it was you anymore... I didn't hear you sneeze, moan, or breathe aloud... I opened my bedroom door slowly and saw that the night light was still on and your bedroom door was closed and no sign of you being awake.. so, I started to go downstairs... half way down the stairs I couldn't believe what I saw... I saw Sylvester... he looked dead... still... no sounds... no movement... I thought to myself... it finally happend... he died. His face was facing the wall and he was laying on his right side with his legs spread out to one side of him. I didn't feel a thing as I continued to walk down the stairs gently... wondering why my book bag and the computer chair, now folded up, was on the floor next to him... I remember having the thought that perhaps he was overdosed on insulin again and he had seizures and knocked the book bag off the computer chair and knocked the computer chair over and caused it to fold up... but 9 feet away from where it should have ended up...?? How could he be overdosed now, if his last shot was 12 hours ago?? I was all wrong... dead wrong.

By the time I realized I reached the bottom of the stairs, moments must have passed, but I have no recollection of those moments, I just remember picking Sylvester up from the floor and was in horror... he was still alive, but the strings from the book bag was coiled around his neck with NO finger room between his neck and the string!! It was as if the string was twisted over and over around his neck with the chair's leg being used as a handle... the way JonBenet was killed... [may she rest in peace]... Sylvester was choking silently right before my eyes... I remember thinking... "...hold on there Sylvester... just hold on..." I tried to get the strings from the book bag off, but the strings were somehow wrapped tightly around the legs of the chair and the chair was closed to hold the strings down in place!! Unfolding the chair didn't do anything in releasing the strings either, because I couldn't even loosen the entanglements... I tried for a moment... struggling with the strings and trying to loosen it from around Sylvester's neck... I remember having the thought of yelling out to you to ask you to come help... but, not sure why I didn't... I ran into the kitchen for the scissor and came back trying to cut the strings from the chair... Sylvester was just staring down to the floor blankly... motionless... not even a sound... I tried to stick the scissor between Sylvester and the strings to cut it, but I couldn't get enough space to slip the scissor in between... I started to cut away at any part of the string frantically that seemed like it would help... finally... I got Sylvester free... I picked him up and sat down on the second to last step of the stairs to hold him closely... he was silent... motionless... limp... much like a child's rag doll... and his eyes were staring half closed back at me... I held him longer with him buried in my face... moments passed... then he started to purr faintly... still with his eyes half closed and motionless... I sat there and pondered on what just happend... I felt that it was a freakish thing that just happend so I prayed out loud staring into the middle of the livingroom while holding Sylvester, looking for signs of foul play... "My Father, my Lord, is here with us. He is keeping watch over us, protecting us, keeping us safe... In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."...

What's freakish about all this was the fact that the strings were so tightly tied and entangled around his neck and the chair. There was NO room left between the string and his neck at all... even I couldn't have tied a tighter knot. Also, the knot around his neck was literally buried between the two legs of the folded up chair... in other words, his head was literally 1 inch away from the chair... hence, that's why when I found him, his head was resting on the chair... the knot itself was a mystery... it was so tight that it didn't even budge at all when I tried to loosen it... the knot seemed unnatural... the only way to free him was to cut the strings... cutting the strings also posed a problem... the strings were so tightly wrapped around the legs of the chair, that I had to score the strings repeatedly to cut it... I should've gotten a knife or razor instead... Sylvester must have struggled for some time before collapsing at the bottom of the stairs... can you believe it...? The poor cat had to drag the chair and book bag around his neck 9 feet across the room to finally end up at the foot of the stairs... that load was heavy too..!! A total of at least 7 pounds (more than half his body weight) around his neck with no air to breathe!! I think he was trying to get up the stairs to us for help... sigh... I still can't believe this happend... what a birthday present...
***

Am I losing my mind to think that there was some force there in the living room this morning trying to take Sylvester away from me?? Sylvester is an old cat that's not active anymore... finding him in such a dreadful position at the verge of death just makes me wonder... poor kitty... I hope he's okay at home now...