One

I past by the metal detectors and guards one last time this morning. I bought my one last NYSE breakfast. I bought my one last NYSE lunch as well. I even made sure that I only took one of each utensil and no extra napkins. I said my one last "good morning" to Beverly at the coffee counter and said my one last "Enjoy your weekend" too.

Somehow, the "NYSE spirits" knew I'll be leaving... they let me ride the express elevator all the way to the sub-street level... they even served my favorite soup... corn chowder. As a treat, I bought my one last "regular" jello too.

I took my one last walk down the longest corridor of NYSE. I took one last turn through the revolving doors. I took one last look at the door to FINRA, a company I helped spin off from NYSE and took my one last climb through the stairwells.

I started cleaning my desk yesterday afternoon and I plan to leave one clean desk when I leave. I took one last walk to my admins and handed off some software CDs. I took one last look in the fridge to make sure I ate everything I brought in. I filled my glass cup with water one last time.

I stole anti-bacterial hand sanitizer from my co-worker's desk one last time too. I handed one last pouch of oatmeal to my NYSE girlfriend. I gave away my one last spoon from my supply bag.

I'm writing my one last blog from NYSE.

I adjusted my chair one last time. I gave my calendar one last flip.

I was asked if I was depressed this morning by a friend. I was told that it was okay that I rejected another friend for dinner today because I may not be in the "mood".

I asked myself... am I depressed? Initially the answer was "no"... the more I think about it... the more unsure I feel.

Since I've found out about my contract ending... I've received many comforting and supportive words. I even had a friend offer me money if I needed any... I don't even see him more than 5 times a year. My cubicle mate from a competitor vendor company even offered to get me rehired by his NYSE manager, if I was interested in doing some SQL QA testing. The same competitor vendor company that "stole" my Horrorscope company's contracts.

I cleared my browser's cache and URL history one last time.

OH MY GAWD... I just got pulled away as I was uploading the pics for this blog and to my surprise... my cubicle mates from the competing vendor company threw me a small party out of their own pockets! They bought some samosas (potato balls and peas with spices that are deep fried in a thick batter) for me! It was delicious! It looked heavy and greasy, but wasn't at all... I even ate two. :) They asked me to even invite my fellow Horrorscope co-workers to come over to our side of the cubicle to join us for the celebration. I am just awed... :)

Today is just one of those days where something comes to an end... just so that something new may start... :)

Christmas Goodies...

Santa's been very nice to me this year... I guess I have been a good boy afterall... :)

Let's see... these are the things I received this Christmas and more is to come...I think...! The gifts came from friends and family... :)

1. Swarovski Crystal - "seashell" - It's a beautiful collectors item... I now have to buy a display case for it! :) - I am also officially a "member" of the rich and famous club, where I can talk about the latest Swarovski crystal collection while sipping tea and eating my Grey Poupon...!
2. Braun self-cleaning electronic shaver - I charged it up and when I shaved with it for the first time... it left a black oily smudge on my face! LOL - but it's really nice and futuristic looking! No more razor burns!
3. Philips VOIP dual use phone - compatible with Skype and the regular phonelines - no PC necessary! I now need to order Skype In and Skype Pro!
4. Shisheido anti-wrinkle eye cream - my new best friend!
5. A Solio solar charger for mp3 players, cellphones, and a bunch of other stuff - it's really cool and environment friendly! It folds away or can be stuck to the window to charge! One fully charged Solio can charge a cellphone twice or provide over 15 hours of music!
6. A box of really fancy and fatty cookies! I'm looking for victims to share with!
7. A raccoon pom pom kit - one of those arts and crafts stuff - very cute!
8. Hawaiian nuts, candy, and a braclet too! It came all the way from Hawaii from someone I "dirty danced" with -topless- at a club!! *wink*
9. A new storage unit for my kitchen pots and pans - it looks wonderful - my kitchen is mostly neatly organized now - something I wanted for over a month!
10. Cold hard CASH - to slip into some stripper's panties... :)
11. A Kenneth Cole wrist watch with a matching wallet from Kenneth Cole too! - makes me look HOT... LOL...!!
12. A Junior's Tiramisu Cheese Cake - DELIVERED - MY GAWD - it was heavy (410 calories a slice), BUT YUMMY!!

Sigh... what a long list of stuff...! :) And of course, I received a bunch of well wishes by card and by email as well. All are appreciated! :)

What surprised me most wasn't a particular gift... it was actually a card from someone that I haven't seen or been in contact with for over 3 years. I've only met him once in person and only had dinner with him once as a semi-date... we've exchanged a few emails here and there.. but... I don't believe we've stayed in touch for at least two if not three years....

I received his card by mail over the weekend... it wasn't one of those "box cards", this person actually went out of his way to BUY a Hallmark card for me. In it, the message was brief and simple... "XOXOXOXO"... "Hugs and Kisses" :)

The card made me feel very special... very special... It shows that I was thought of during this very special time of the year. Think of it... I was thought of even tho this guy hasn't heard from me for ages. He went out, bought a card, and sent it to me. It was a gift of very warm fuzzy feelings... :)

I rank it as the best gift for 2007. Thanks "TH"... "XOXOXOXO" back at ya!

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays to all...! :) May the holidays bring you much joy and togetherness with friends and family!

Stay safe! Don't drink and drive!

Lots of HUGS and KISSES!!! :)

-- Sparkyx

Youssif

You have to read this article from CNN... "Youssif's mom: Why my son?"

It is a very touching story from the mother's perspective. I've been following Youssif's story for a few month's now... I even received a thank you letter from Children's Burn Foundation three weeks ago.

I read the story slowly and allowed the mother's words to sink in... I felt every word she said and I had goose bumps... It's amazing how much joy it is for Youssif to be able to put food in his mouth again and to simply stick his tongue out.

It still baffles me how some monsters could grab this child and set him on fire. What has he done to deserve this? All this hate in the name of God??

The story made me go through a series of moodswings... I went from sad, to sadder, to having hope, to seeing love, to having faith, then sad again, hope, and finally concern. I don't know how this story will end, but I pray for the best for Youssif and his family. I hope they will continue to experience the love that strangers have to offer them and to continue to experience the blessings that God gives them. Although we call our God by different names, I know both Youssif's mom and I pray for the same thing... and that is for Youssif to get better and to be able to fit into society again... undiscriminated against, respected, and embraced.

I pray that there can be peace and tolerance around the world... but sadly, I don't believe that this will happen, at least not during my life time. We are so blinded by hate and selfishness.

At this time, I just hope Youssif can enjoy Eid with his family here and perhaps in his lifetime, we can all stop the fighting in the name of God.

Let there be peace.

"Great Love"

Today, I came across the blog of a dear friend of mine. In his blog, he wrote about something called the "great love", in the form of a short story that he made up while slurping Korean noodles alone. A very creative piece and I can picture how he was probably feeling at that Korean joint around the corner of his house. I could just picture him there... transcending into a world where he sees no "great love"... at least, not for him.

Note: Excerpts from his blog are in quotes.

"You will be emancipated from all sufferings as long as you find a great love that will stand by you. Essentially, this soul would complete yours," said Death to the lost soul Kei at the beginning of his journey. Kei had reincarnated into many types of men- kings, beggars, bankers and even a pop star but could not find his "great love." It's true that in all his reincarnations he had found someone to spend the rest of that life with however feelings were not so strong and their love for each other was simply out of habit."

So, as a result, Kei asked Death to reincarnate him into a gay male since "it would take a great momentum for two men to be in love with each other" and it surely would result in this "great love" that Death spoke about. Death agreed to this. As a gay male, Kei experienced all the usual depressions and confronted all the usual battles as part of his self-discovery process, but one day, he met the man of his dreams, fell in love, and "grew comfortable in the relationship". Kei felt "so free in the relationship" that he felt that he could "say anything to his beloved and not worry".

"He would complain, rant, and show his irritations when he had them. Soon, his beloved started becoming cold. His feelings changed and he had no care for Kei anymore- he could be dead or alive and he wouldn't care."

"'I don't want to see you anymore Kei, let's just be friends,' said the beloved."

"Kei died alone and once again met Death with blank eyes and said to him, 'This great love you speak of- it doesn't exist.'"


Sigh... after reading his blog... I felt sad. Sad because I understood what he was talking about. I thought about it a little and decided to respond...

<<
Deart friend, this "great love" you spoke about in your story only exists for those who choose it. You have to decide/choose to love someone, not just do it. Unfortunately Kei and his beloved didn't make this conscious choice... perhaps, it is because making this choice sometimes involves losing a part of yourself in what we call an unselfish act of love. Sometimes in life, we just have to accept the fact that we can't always have the cake and eat it too. :)
>>

I think the key to this "great love" is that it has to be a choice as much as it is a natural course in life. We need to actively "choose" to love someone for all the good and the bad in him/her. Sometimes making this choice, we have to compromise our own self. This compromise is called unselfish love. Few can do this in life... hence, few will have this "great love". Unfortunately... this "great love" can only be given as individuals... never taken. In other words, you can only give this "great love" to the person you love, but you can never take "great love" or demand "great love" from the person you want it from. This is also when this "great love" often fails us it seems... because often it only travels one way.

The bottom line... if we all can become cable of giving this "great love", perhaps one day, there will be more "great love" out there to be received... but, it all starts within ourselves... the first step is to be able to love unselfishly.

Unselfish love can be a demon in itself... but, it is a personal choice.

3rd Encounter

This is a continuation to "Grande Finale"...

"...
The path is long.
The distance is far.
I glide with each push.
I fly with each star.
..."

My third encounter with this panda and monkey loving boy altered the entire course of my life. A brief 10 minute heart to heart conversation in the stairwell lead to things that I only spoke of in my prayers days before.

The path was a long one. The distance I needed to travel was far... with each stride I made, I felt I got closer to understanding my destiny. The beginning of the journey was simply wonderful. I felt that I could reach the stars.

It was in SS 104 where we sat side by side; he was to my right and we sat on the far side of the room with the windows behind us. I always found studying history to be boring in high school, but I decided that I would try to view history differently now. As he sat down next to me, he nervously, not making any eye contact whispered to me in a weird tone of voice, "I have something to tell you after class." This wasn't the first time he said this to me in class. The first time he said it was perhaps a few days prior. That time, I made an honest effort to leave right after class as quickly as I could. Instincts told me that I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I largely tried to avoid him after our second encounter for a week or two. I later understood why this instinct kicked in.

After he whispered to me in that tone of voice again, I grew nervous. Thoughts filled my head. Bad thoughts. These bad thoughts were an answer to my prayers. The prayers I made on the night prior to me turning 20 years old. When I made my birthday prayers, I was very depressed and wondered what I was suppose to accomplish in life.

A portion of my prayers went something like this: "...God. I'm going to turn 20 years old tomorrow. I will no longer be a teenager. I don't know what is going to happen in my life, but what I do know is that something is going to change. I don't know what, but I know that something will happen...."

When I said this prayer, simple as it may seem, it had a deeper profound meaning. I knew the anxiety problem and the depression that I was having was not just caused by stress from work or from school. The "problem" that I was covering up was more deeply rooted and was not going to go away by taking pills or Tums. Even when I spoke with god (small "g" because I wasn't a Christian yet) back then, I wasn't able to talk about certain things. I was afraid that talking about or acknowledging certain things would make them real or perhaps god would punish me or something. It was a self imposed unfounded fear.

My nervousness grew during the entire lecture to the point where my anxiety kicked in and I had difficulty breathing and my hands turned ice cold. I sat there during lecture trying to calm myself down and I took these long deep breathes to relax. I tried to distract myself by staring at objects around the room and that's when my eyes landed on panda boy's old black binder. He was tracing a symbol drawn with white-out with his closed pen. The symbol was "λ". The symbol stands for "liberation", which I didn't know at the time, but the two sets of symbols next to "λ" was unmistakable. The two sets of symbols were "♂" and "♀" intertwined, but they weren't intertwined together as in "♂♀", but were "♂♂" and "♀♀" instead. I gasped at this and my heart started to race and I felt my blood pressure go up.

"MY GOD... is he...? MY GOD... is he going to ask me if I'm...? MY GOD... is he going to tell me that he likes me?? What does that mean?? OH SHIT." These thoughts made me even more nervous as I became so uncomfortable with myself and with him sitting next to me. Before I could come to any conclusions, the lecture was over and we started to pack our bags.

"Please wait. I have to tell you something." Panda boy's nervousness was so obvious.

"Okay. Where do you want to talk?" As I responded, I shifted into one of my alternate personalities. I was the "listener" now and was no longer "Sparky", the boy with the anxiety problem. My heart stopped racing, my anxiety subsided, and my hands were starting to have feelings again.

"Let's just walk..." He had his head down as he said that and was looking very uneasy and preoccupied. I suggested that we go into one of the empty classrooms but none was available. As we circled around the second floor he asked me, "How do you feel about homosexuals?" As he ended this question, he took a deep breath and his eyes darted at me, trying to catch my reaction. He has the cutest stares. I was still the "listener", so I responded with a small chuckle, "Well... I don't hate them or anything. Why do you ask?" I had an easy going appearance across my face and quickly stared back at him, but I knew the "listener" was starting to leave my body.

We ended up in the stairwell where we started to make out and feel each other up like animals. No! LOL... That was just a joke.

We ended up in the stairwell where he took one long look at me, took a deep breath, and said, "Because I'm gay" as he exhaled relief and solicited a reply through his deep brown eyes.

"Oookaayy..."

"How do you feel about me now?"

"Well... I know I don't hate you." After saying that, the "listener" left my body and I was just Sparky again.... but, my anxiety didn't rear its head. I was actually okay. "How do you know? I mean how did you find out about yourself?" I was asking these questions selfishly for myself. I was actually interested in the methods he used to come to terms with his sexuality and not his actual process. Yes, I was selfish, but I was also desperate for answers. At this moment, I thought back to my birthday prayers... "...I don't know what, but I know that something will happen..." and it was happening. God answered my prayers after one week.... actually, He was trying to answer them much earlier, but I just didn't listen.

Panda boy told me his stories on how he went to these workshops at "The Center" and I listened intently. After he was done, I chuckled an uneasy and fearful chuckle and said, "I'm asking... because I think I am too." I couldn't say the word "gay". My heart started to race again, but this time it wasn't anxiety knocking at the door. It was the shock from self-confrontation, self-acknowledgement, and self-awareness. Again, the big brown eyes stared back and he thought I was joking with him. Noting his disbelief in me, I went into a long explanation to assure him that I wasn't lying to him. When he was assured, he told me that he could help me and that he had reading materials to share with me.

We instantly became good buddies and had an innate understanding of each other. This feeling is often felt between newbies to the gay world. It is a very mutual feeling of understanding and total ease. It feels as if a dark secret was finally out in the open and no body actually cared about it. We were all smiles as we shook hands and left the stairwell on our separate ways. He reassured me that he was going to share more of his experiences with me.

I went home happy and at ease that day... something totally new to me.

Our 3rd encounter marked the start of our self-discovery process. We were both young and naive and had much to learn. Learn we did... Little did we know what was installed for us next.

The gay world can be a very lonely place of self-isolation and self-denial... especially for previous generations. Just look at Senator Craig. These individuals often live secret lives through manipulation and lies to cover their tracks; in order to satisfy their innate needs of self-exploration and self-expression. Those in their paths fall victim to their selfish needs; especially when they are in positions of power.

Panda boy and I was unfortunate enough to encounter one of these manipulative men of power. He first won us over with his words, just to rape us with them next. It was my fault. I introduced panda boy to him.

Toostie Roll

Who:

Male, 50'ish, 6', 180 lbs, short salt 'n pepper hair, silver rimmed eyeglasses, average build, white, beige pants with dark colored belt, checkered red and white shirt, dark colored eyes

Where:

Bally's Total Fitness gym at Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn, Men's Locker Room, second row of lockers on the right

When:

Yesterday night at around 8:40pm to 10:15pm. yeah... it was a looong session...

What:

Something happened... something inappropriate happened in public with this man... at first it was just curiosity that I had... then... it happend before my eyes... for the very first time...! I couldn't believe it... I still don't... our eyes just met and he stared back at me... smiling... it was written all over his face... "I'm a pervert".

This white dude... let's call him "John Cruise", was lingering in the Bally's men's locker room for over an hour and a half...!!! It was my second time seeing him there. I saw him last week in the same outfit and he was also cruising apparently, but this time I'm sure of it.

I arrived at Bally's men's locker room with my gym partner at around 8:40pm and I saw him... he was pretending to put on his clothes and then pretending to take them off again... he did it repeatedly... as he was doing that... he was also staring at people's reflections in the mirrors and cruising the aisles of the gym. He was even smirking and smiling like a kid in a candy store... "I want Toostie Roll" gleamed from his eyes! He seemed to be thrilled to be there. It was NASTY.

He was just trolling the aisles and grinning like a kid... he needs help... when I returned from my gym session... I walked into the locker room and saw him eye to eye again... he stared back and immediatedly left...

It's not like there's anything to see in the gym anyway... all the cute or young guys don't even undress or strip naked... how unfortunate... only the old guys strip naked and undress... NASTY too... ok... fine... we will all eventually sag with time if we don't use botox or anti-wrinkle cream or body firming lotions... but, do we have to shave our pits and faces in the nude in a public gym??? Gosh... those old men really let 'em nuts hang low so that they touch the sinks as they lean towards the mirror to shave! I get chills just thinking about it...!! EWWWW!!!

I'm so sad about this because I have to subject myself to this type of environment just so that I can feel less fat... joining a classier gym is out of the question since they are SO expensive and my company doesn't subsidize anything. I heard that there are so many cute and in-shape guys at NYSC and Equinox. So jealous...

Anyway... "John Cruise" didn't get any free Toostie Rolls or buy any either. He was probably scared off by me... lol... 'cause when we locked eyes after my session, I didn't hestitate and quickly turned my head to my gym partner and said... "He's still here!" in Chinese. He might not have understood the words... but, he definitely understood my excitement in catching him cruising!! :)

I'm sorry... I could be so childish when it comes to these things... ya know.. it's my first time catching someone cruising in a locker room...! LOL...!

Needless to say... I didn't buy any candy either... I only had pumpkin seeds when I got home... I heard that they're a great protein supplement too... :)

Got The Msg

I had two bittersweet moments last night when I got home. My ex sent me a care package with photos and DVDs of my latest and first favorite anime cartoon. The photos were beautiful and brought back some fond memories. The DVDs were of an anime called "Avatar". I am totally into this series... it's awesome! I think I like "Avatar" because it represents the Chinese and other Asian cultures in a very neat way. I also like it because I can totally relate to the martial art moves! I'm such a sucker for martial art movies and cartoons. :) So, that was sweet moment number two... after all, I did save the best for last to open. :)

Sweet moment number one was my first Christmas card for 2007. It was also my bitter moment.... so, it was bittersweet.

My first Christmas card for 2007 came from a dear couple, Noel and Edrick. :) However, the card came all damaged. :( It was slipped into one of those "USPS" transparent envelopes.

The card seemed like it was half eaten by a dog or was ripped opened by a devilish postal worker for cash or a check or something. :( With more than a third of the card and envelop gone, it was hard to make out my address on the front and what the card actually said.

Although part of the well wishing message was gone, the most heart felt portion remained... it said:

"Love, Noel & Edrick"

That's all I needed to know... :) *HUGS*

Jingle Away

Ahhh... on this Monday afternoon... I'm feeling rather tense. Tense from a overworked weekend, no answer from HR, more project requests, no job at the end of the month, to go or not to go to the Holiday Party thoughts, I don't have a crush on you anymore thoughts, meeting the recruiter anxiety, running low on clean underwear, new pimples creeping up, tight brief underwear, I can't seem to breath right in this dry air, and all that jingling outside the NYSE. ARGHHH...!

I wish I could just do that out in the open and not risk being taken down my the security guards... well, I don't mind if it's the semi-cute one... isn't that sad... we don't even have ONE cute security guard. I mean... they already wear uniforms... that's like automatic cutedom... but, no... there's only one semi-cute one... but, he kinda looks corn fed. sigh... but... he is the nicest one out of all of them.

This tenseness has been building up slowly... causing me to have writers block... I've actually wrote two blogs and decided not to publish them, because they didn't sound right or just seemed pointless after reading them. sigh...

I swear... I don't get guys who wear briefs... how da hell do you breath in them?? I'm wearing a pair of briefs today... and I swear... it's cutting off my circulation and making me feel dumb. It's like the pair of brief has a mind of its own... "strangle him... strangle him..." For crying out loud... it's constantly reminding me that I'm wearing briefs. I'm a boxers kinda guy. I like it that way, but my ex-roomie scared me one day when he told me his "guy problem". I was like... "Really? You are shitting me." So... I started to wear briefs every so often to have that balance... Boxer briefs ain't much better either... 'cause they keep riding up on me... I feel for the ladies who have to wear stockings all the time. It's gotta feel like you are wrapping yourself up in saran wrap... but don't get that "fresh" feeling.

So...yeah... NYSE is holding their own "tree lighting" ceremony tonight in front of the building. They hired a bunch of performers to sing the Christmas Carols and to provide a Ho-Ho-Ho Jolly experience. But... it's actually annoying when you are trying to code under pressure...

I'm also torn between going or not going to my company's Holiday Party at the Rainbow Room... it's a famous place I heard... maybe I should go in drag and come out too, given the name of the place. LOL...! Well... at least, damn briefs, at least it's "free". It's so obvious that it comes out from our pay. I don't get it... some companies even have holiday parties where you pay like $60 plus additional for the cash bar... I say... beep beep beep to those. Why should I pay $60 to see a bunch of people I dread seeing on a day to day basis? Why should I "mingle" or "network" with a bunch of people that are all back stabbers or with senior management who are raking in the big bonuses? And can you even imagine spending three alcohol free hours talking and smiling to people that you don't even like? MY GAWD.

And yeah... I don't have a crush anymore... this is news, uh? LOL...!

sigh... don't people shower? Gosh... this unidentified individual just sat down on the desk next to mine to chat with a fellow cubicle-mate... his BO is too overwhelming... with every lift of his arm... it's like the ignition of a fuel-air bomb without the explosion. My gawd... it's unbearable... this fuel-air-body bomb beats the Russian's recently announced successful denotation of their fuel-air bomb that is 4 times the strength of the US's. They detonated it on 9-11... how mean of them. There it goes... another wave of oxygen diminishing odor... sit your ass down and stop talking with your hands..!

sigh... :( I just gave away my two most favorite teddy bears this weekend... one was from my first and one was from my sisters. I've had them as a pair for over 10 years... they are in tip-top condition and always sits on the coach together. I gave them to my first because he asked for them and wants to give them away to his nephews. So.. I decided to let him have them after thinking about it for one whole month. I figured... they brought me much joy and now it's time to pass them along. I did request my first to keep them as a pair.

sigh... I've just noticed that I've been thinking about certain individuals... sometimes I think too much about others and not enough about myself.

Gosh... please don't tell me the BO guy is gay. He can't be gay... but I just saw him check out the co-worker he was talking to as he walked to the printer to get his printouts!! Ooops... he can be gay... no wedding ring... but he reekks...!

Okay... it's getting too much... I should really just take a walk or a bio-break or something.

Sigh.... :( I feel a sudden overwhelming feeling of... despair... this must be how women feel when they have menopause... wild moooodswings. :(


Christmas Tree

Christmas Tree, Christmas Tree
So big and tall.
With your star up so high,
It touches the sky.
Tree Lighting at four.

The crowds are singing.
The guests are cheering.
Moods are swinging.
Happy Holidays to all.

Mr. Christmas Tree,
Isn't it sad to be you?
Cutoff from your roots.
Used by a man in a red suit.
Oh Christmas Tree,
Why did you grow so tall?

-- Sparkyx

Axed?

So, I was dragged into an empty conference room this afternoon by my reporting manager at NYSE. I already knew something was up, as it didn't seem to be one of our project meetings.

So... finally the axe will drop for me as well, as it has for all my other fellow Notes Domino developer co-workers. I am the lone survivor for the past year. Even the second in command, SVP of my Horrorscope company, was axed by NYSE over a year and a half ago. Her last words to me... "Don't let Notes die at NYSE. Whatever you do... just keep it going. Keep it alive." So I did for a year and half with one other co-worker of mine. He lasted until April and was also axed. During my one and a half year, I started and successfully launched two crucial NYSE.com applications single-handily and completed numerous feature enhancements and re-writes. I even got NYSE to hire a Russian offshore resource as my backup from my Horrorscope company.

Sigh... I knew this day was coming in a way, but, I guess I didn't think it would really happen since the applications that I support are crucial and are revenue generating for NYSE in some cases. I guess the shareholders are pressuring NYSE to be more profitable. They will see surely enough that cutting me out of the picture is a wrong move, as my applications are regulatory related. In other words, the world depends on information from the systems that I support. Of course, they can always go low tech and have a basic web developer hand code HTML for all the data that needs to be published. This is the only way to get the data out if they don't use my automated systems. But, that also potentially means they would have to hire one web developer to replace each Administrative Assistant that's currently entering data into the system from each department. Where's the savings in that?

Getting axed by NYSE is not what bothers me most. It's the fact that my Horrorscope company refuses to acknowledge the fact that I have been a major revenue generator from day one of my employment. I have been in a salary negotiation process for the past three weeks already. The HR director keeps on telling me that she still needs to speak with one of our SVP's to discuss my performance. I've spent over an hour with that SVP already, describing in great details my accomplishments. Everything just seems to be going in a circle.

For crying out loud... I used to be the northeast region SME for IBM for Lotus technologies. I was the designer, coder, and project manager for the Department of Buildings of NYC during the 9-11 disaster recovery efforts. The application that I built is the very same application they are still using today to conduct building surveys wirelessly via the Compaq Ipaq. I've worked with GE, Pitney Bowes, Chanel, SUNY Downstate Medical Center, BMCC, Chase, BankersTrust, Deutsche Bank, Fuiji, and a number of other Fortune 500 and Fortune 100 companies. Doesn't any of that have any merit?

The biggest problem for my Horrorscope company as they claim, is the fact that NYSE is squeezing their daily rates. NYSE had reduced my company's rates at least three times in the past six years. This rate reduction combined with several non-renewed contracts over the past two years caused my company to reduce headcount and to freeze salary increases along with mandatory unpaid leaves.

Well... it seems a bit unfair for me to ask for a salary increase when the company is facing these issues, but in reality, I've generated continuous income for the past three years even through the toughest of times during the initial cutbacks. Basically, what was left of my company's NYSE crew pulled the company through during 2007 and back into profitability... yet... the NYSE crew or most of the NYSE crew wasn't given a bonus or any type of recognition... including me. I had the toughest job since I was responsible for my SVP's duties after she got canned. I was responsible for "keeping Notes alive" at NYSE. I was even part of the discussion committee at NYSE to advise against the migration to MS Exchange.

I will see what my HR director has to say tomorrow. I'm not too worry about not finding another job, just the job I want. So far I've been working with one recruiter and he has turned up nothing for the past month and a half. I will probably be meeting him next week to discuss further. Will I be in the poor house? Not yet. Maybe I just need to step it up in finding myself a sugar daddy... LOL...!!

Sigh... now I have to repack my Coffeemate that I brought in to work this morning or use it all up before the end of the month... It's funny... as I was refilling my empty bottle... I stopped halfway and said, "No need to fill it to the top" subconsciously. Who would have known that my Coffeemate can be used to foretell my fortune. I thought that's what tea leaves are for. To think about it... that scares me even more... I had a box of Lipton tea bags in my hands last night... thinking of bringing them in to work, which I decided not too. hmmm... maybe I should change careers and do fortune telling instead.

Half Empty Bottle