Tide-to-Go

I just used Tide-to-Go on a Tide-to-Go stain... LOL..!

I originally had a month old stain on my tie and was going to take it to the dry cleaners to have the stain removed, but somehow the tie managed to sit on my futon for weeks even when I actually did dry cleaning last week... Subconsciously I told myself, "Hell no... I ain't spendin' another $3 on this tie! Over my dead body!" Well, I'm not THAT cheap. :)

Prior to this "over my dead body" episode, I actually had taken the tie to the dry cleaners for a prior stain. The stain came out just fine, but the very first time that I wore it again, clumsy me, had to drip some A1 sauce on it during a lunch meeting with my boss... needless to say, she looked at me and probably thought, "I can't take you anywhere and now you have to walk around at the Exchange with that brown stain on your tie hanging near your crotch."

I felt obligated to dry clean the tie because it's actually one of my favorites and it did come from an ex.... so, it automatically carried a loaded guilt trip if I never wore it again.

After hearing about Tide-to-Go and the wonders it did on *GUM*... I figured, I might as well spend the $3.49 plus tax to try it...

So it works... on the stain that is... the directions said to press down on the tip to release the liquid and then to rub the tip on the stain in a circular motion... I did. The problem... the stain is gone, but now I have a quarter sized stain mark left behind from the liquid of Tide-to-Go instead of a pea size brown stain. :T sigh... So, I rubbed Tide-to-Go on the Tide-to-Go stain... and now I have a half dollar... :( If I repeat the steps again... I'm gonna have one of those super-sized souvenir penny stains! :(

And the worst part of it all... I actually wore the tie to work today (covering the stain strategically)... just so that I could deliberately make the stain bigger... while paying $3.49 plus tax.

Come again...

Sylvester came to me in my dreams on the anniversary of his death. He seemed okay... his old self... I don't remember much about the dream, but he was there. :) I think we were sharing some old times together at home.

"Sylvester, come again..."

"I'm glad I did something..."

Yesterday was Clarisse's first day back to work after being away for about a week and a half. She was away caring for her mother. Her mother passed away from breast cancer two Fridays ago. She struggled for many years.

I wish there is a drug or a treatment that can rid cancer from the body. One would think that after so many years of research that we would have a cure or a vaccine by now. We still don't. How sad is that? As I was signing a card prepared by our administrative assistant for Clarisse, I learned that her mother was also fighting breast cancer. She started to get teary eyed when I told her Clarisse's mom's cause of death.

I prayed for Clarisse's mom in the past year and almost everyday for the past two weeks... I also prayed for Laura's mom. I was hoping that Clarisse's mom would be able to make it to June of this year to see Clarisse walk down the isle at her wedding... her wedding was originally scheduled for August. I wish she could have made it. I'm sure she would have been so happy to see her daughter all dressed in white, in a beautiful grown that she had bought for her.

Clarisse is being quite strong... but mostly spaced out at work... during lunch yesterday, she was telling me how she was happy that she was at least able to do something for her mom while she was so sick at the hospital. She had to hold her mom's arm up in the air above her body for the pain in her arm to subside for over 30 minutes each night so she could fall asleep. The cancer had spread to her liver and to the rest of her body. "I'm glad I did something..." When I heard that, I wish I could have said the same when Sylvester passed.

As I acknowledged that I was also glad that she was able to be there for her to DO something for her mom, I myself got all teary eyed. I wasn't able to do anything for Sylvester. Not a single thing the night leading to his death. I know I still haven't finished the entry that I started months ago regarding Sylvester's last night with me. I still have a hard time putting it all in words.

Today is Sylvester's 5th month anniversary of his passing. I lit a candle for him yesterday night and I told him that I was sorry. "I'm sorry."

A Real Chinese Jew

What a sweet story... a Chinese girl adopted by two lesbians... raised Jewish... :) One mommy was raised Roman Catholic and the other was raised as an atheist Jew. When the mommies adopted Fu Qian (Cecelia) from China 13 years ago, they decided to raise her Jewish.

This is diversity at it's best... I believe we can all learn something from this story and take it to heart that life itself is beautiful and life without prejudice is how God meant it to be. Love thy neighbor...

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/08/nyregion/08batmitzvah.html?hp

JetBlue Blues...

...an email to a friend...

<<

I feel unmotivated to travel... :T or to do anything "special" (the real reason why I didn't see the lion dance on New Year's)... I know this is the case because I feel that I can't really retain or share these moments with someone special. This fact took a while to register in my head as to why I have been reluctant to go anywhere, but instead to cash in on my 2006 vacation days, but I really knew the answer all along... even when I visited you last year. Sorry... I really have no plans to travel. Perhaps this is a very direct answer, but I know this is true and probably won't change much in the near future either. Maybe I'm being silly, but I lack the desire to go anywhere. I'm fine... I just wanted to get this out in the open so you won't ask or wonder why I don't visit. It's nothing personal, but entirely emotional. I just don't feel it.

>>

I do realize that when I traveled in the past, it was usually with someone special, for business, with family, or because I just needed to get far far away from home. The last time I traveled across the Atlantic was an attempt to refresh myself and to "let go" of my first love after several failed attempts to "get on the same page". I had to leave. I stayed in Switzerland with my godfather for two weeks and traveled the local Basel area mostly on my own... not speaking a word of German. I actually welcomed the non-communicative part of the trip. I ordered all my meals at a local McDonalds by pointing and showing how many fingers... thank God for order by number. The locals welcomed me with smiles and often asked if I was there for school. I would grin back and say "no". My slow strodes across Basel often started around 10am in the morning and would extend into the evening. Not saying a single word for hours at a time; just thinking, pondering, and wondering about life.

There were a night or two where I spoke more than usual... heart-to-heart talks with my godfather... which ended in tears, but they were tears of recovery or at least on the path towards recovery. It was in Switzerland where I learned that my heart only offered geniune love and nothing short of this. My heart is totally incapable of offering "puppy-love"... I would never say, "I love you" and only mean it temporarily.

In any case, I feel like I need to once again get far far away from home. This time to simply let go of "love" for a while. Love that doesn't love back is the norm it seems in the gay world. Maybe men ARE pigs... straight or gay or confused for that matter. lol..! But the problem is... I don't want to travel. I've even lost that desire to travel to "get well". Deep inside I know this is true because I know it won't help this time around. I feel I'm all knotted up on the inside. I'm not so sure where to start untangling it all. But, I do realize that I need to stand up to all of this and to do something about it. I'm trying to tap in deep within myself to harness this inner energy, but that energy is so elusive.

I've decided that I'm going to throw myself in different directions to shake things a bit, perhaps this would shed some light into this complex knot. Mathematical knot theory dates back to the 19th century and are still used today to resolve the most complex problems found in nature. For example, a knot is viewed as a mathematical object and can be used to describe DNA structures in molecular biology. But unlike knot theory, there is no written equation to tackle in life. No equation, no answer, no explanation... maybe I'm doomed for good this time. In any case, I will have to take different steps in life now, instead of staying stationary all the time.

Perhaps, like many have said, it takes love to replace love... it takes another person to fill a void left by another... hmmm... I dunno. Can't I just get better first then find love?

I am a super strong person by nature, but my internal struggles are tiring me out for sure. I bake cookies for my roomies these days as self therapy... I've been quite successful in making them both fat... while I ate one or none at all... I've managed to lose weight instead. My cookies are deadly... I've even shipped them 3000 miles to make another friend of mine fat. lol..! Perhaps if I were able to make everyone fat out there, I would be able to... wait... if I made everyone fat, I would only be able to date fat men... hmmm... I guess I'll refrain from conquering the world with my cookies.

What next? Move on... move on... move on...

Reminisce

Yes. Another piece of poetry... well, at least I tried. I'm not very good at it... I tend to try too hard to make them rhyme. I want to write good poetry that doesn't necessarily rhyme, but, somehow I get this mental block... "It's not a poem if it doesn't rhyme"... oh well.

I started writing more pieces of poetry instead of just blogging about life because my life seems like a sad story when blogged. Somehow the rhyming of the words make it less so... and so I think. I also find myself strangely reading my poems over and over again. I've even thought of performing some of them in front of a live audience. I think I would do a good job at it.

Anyway... my first choice of self expression is on ice, but I can't skate anymore... at least not the way I used to. My second choice of self-expression is through music. I'm tone deaf and can't even hum a tune; let alone play an instrument. So, like most things in my life... I have to settle for less... my third choice of self-expression... through writing. I've always wanted to write a book... a book that will probably never materialize... a book that started 8 years ago and never got past 5 pages. To satisfy my need to write, I started this blog, one of several attempts. So far, I've been successful in posting on a regular basis, except for the past two months... ooops... I guess I'm slipping in this area too.

Anyway... I reminisce a lot about life.

Here's the "poem".


Reminisce

A steak in the buzzing city
Just being giddy
Sleeping side by side
A 5 o'clock carriage ride
An affectionate nooky
Your demand for a cookie

These are things I miss.

Hot pot on the stove
A strode in the grove
A shower for two
Tigger costumed Pooh
My hand on your lap
Shopping at the Gap
Water boy for a day
Pride for being gay
¡Qué Lindo! said the lady
Rapping like Slim Shady

Those are times I cherish.

A moment without words
A moment listening to birds
Holding hands in the sunset
Opening of hearts when we met
Secret love sessions in school
Fondling in the pool
All those promises we shared
The lies we both beared
Workshops at The Center
Controversy as an APO member
Seeing the Material Girl
Alfredo sauce that made me hurl

Those are things I will never forget.

Unconditional love you gave me
The laughter you showed me
Paw prints on my couch
Piercing needles - Ouch!
Begging for a belly rub
Your shower in the tub
Aromatherapy on my sneaker
Watching you get weaker

I wish I could have done more.
I miss you dearly.

A walk on Wall Street
A salad for a treat
"am New York" in hand
Scanning for contraband
Renegade tears in my eye
A shadow by my side
Calling it a day
Finding my way
Conversations with God
Looking at life -- with a silent nod

My life.

-- Sparkyx 03/01/2007