One More Night

One more night... may this night end the year that wasn't meant to be, but was... I never thought that I would be sitting at home on New Year's Eve blogging when I should be out there with family and friends.

The day started with dim sum and quickly turned into another day where I couldn't wait for the sun to set.

I think I've been packing away too many boxes of empty thoughts and drowning myself in too many things to avoid life's knot. There's a deeper underlying issue here. Life feels like a knot that can't be untangled... pulling on one string just seems to tighten the knot further. Taking a scissor to the knot seems excessive, but picking at it only seems to make it worst. What to do in such a case? It won't untangle itself... get a new string?? Only if it was that easy...

Is it my fault? My own doing? Did I place too much trust, love, care, and time into other's in an effortless and meaningless manner? Why is it easier to ask a stranger to give me a back rub when my back is in pain than it is to ask an ex to do the same? How is it possible for a heart to change it's course almost on demand? I still remember my mom telling me many years ago when I was still in junior high school, she said, "You will almost never get out of friends what you put into them." I was always a doubter of this. I've gone through a number of situations where what my mom said was true, yet, I continue to pour myself into others. Maybe mom is right about this? I don't know. What I do feel that I know is this... you can't expect others to stay the same over time.

So, I'm at a cross road in life right now. I can stay the course or take a drastic detour. Sometimes that detour just looks so good... but, damn the logical side of me... sigh... Some times I just feel like dropping everything in my current life and start over a new one where I know no one and know one knows me. Sought of a new start... I don't know. I really have nothing here that holds me down where I can't really change if I wanted to. Maybe I'm just missing that guiding star that had guided me for so many years of my life. Perhaps it's time to upgrade my "internal GPS"... time to reinvent myself? What to do?

Life is so full of broken promises and lies... I'm not bitter... it's just an observance that bothers me terribly. I don't know how to change this about life, when I don't think that I'm the source. "God, is man-kind really this screwed up? Are we really such sinful beings? Where are we heading collectively? I have many questions to ask you, but I'm not so sure I will hear your answer... I'm sorry."

Sometimes I feel that I'm such a sorry fucked up person. I don't know how else I can become a better person. I often feel my efforts go no where. Would my efforts even matter when those around me don't believe in bettering themselves?

In another six hours or so, a few million people will be toasting each other "Happy New Year", kissing each other, hugging each other, and etc... but, what about those less fortunate people out there? We all make new year resolutions, rarely keep them, and we almost never make one that benefits others. We will never make a toast to the homeless, the hungry, and the sick. Even our well wishes are selfish... most importantly, the homeless, the hungry, and the sick won't even cross our minds tonight. We are too busy traveling, feasting, partying, dancing, singing, and celebrating the turning of a page on the calendar.

sigh... maybe I'm being too glum about life... or am I? Or perhaps, not enough of us actually care?

I'm still sitting here comtemplating when I'm going to leave the house to take a 20 minute walk to my aunt's house... I have no choice... if I hadn't bought an ice cream cake to surprise my sister for her birthday, I would be calling it a night. hmmm... just got a call from my sister... apparently she is leaving my aunt's house now... perhaps, I don't have to go over afterall.

Mi Sombra

Here's what I feel today...


Mi Sombra

Hush my child,
Do not cry.
For I am here.

You are never alone,
For I'm always near.

When your sun shines,
I share in your joy.
When your sky rains,
I share in your void.

I dance when you dance.
I cry when you cry.

I stay silent
So I can listen to your stories.
I shelter you
From your worries.

What more do you want?
I will never part your side.
You are my master.
Please confide!

I will suffer for your sins in the fires of hell.
I will keep your secrets - will never tell.

Give me your love from above.
Look down on me and you will see.
I've been knealing by your knee.

I am your match made in heaven.
I was in your school play when you were seven.

I was there when you became a man.
We are on common ground, where we stand.

Can't you see?
We are meant to be.

"But-- you are my sombra."
"You can -never- be."

-- Sparkyx, 12/29/2006 2:07pm


"Sombra" is the spanish word for "shadow".

Sum It Up

The year is quickly coming to an end. You can say that 2006 went by fast, but not without drama. But, I have to say that the drama of 2006 wasn't too bad. I think I spent a good part of 2006 drowning myself in many things to keep my mind off of others. I've picked up mandarin, bought a coop that's currently occupying every free moment I have, and of course simply thinking in the box.

My greatest lost of 2006 is of course Sylvester. I still can't think of him without getting all teary eyed. I don't show much of this because it's more of a personal thing than anyone's business; besides, who would really give a rat's ass about it?

My greatest achievement of 2006 is gaining the respect of my co-workers at work. I was never thought much of until I was recognized by a SVP of my company at our company dinner meeting. People actually acknowledge me now. I've done nothing different really...

My... sigh... whatever... it's not important what are my greatest and least fond moments of 2006... I guess what counts is that I still have my family, friends and health... and these are the things I am thankful for.

When is it enough?

When is it enough? What does it take to satisfy our ever longing needs and desires?

I think it is just part of our human nature to keep on wanting more. More money, more vacation days, more friends, more everything... I don't think that it is wrong to want more... we just need to remember to be thankful for what we already have and to know what is it that is really important to us.

The below article talks about the struggles of an illegal Mexican immigrant searching for the ever elusive American dream... she attained a modest version of it, only to let it go because she felt her family was falling apart. In her eyes, her family was what kept her going... fighting for a better life.

The grass is not always greener on the other side, but it is undeniable that once you've tasted what is greener, it is hard to turn back and settle for less. Just like Irma, she once again desires to cross the border risking her life for what she believes can be her dream.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/21/us/21irma.html?hp&ex=1166763600&en=8389042afb4edcb6&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Am I a Jew?

Am I a Jew?? Do I look like a Jew? Do I act like one? hmmm... maybe I dressed like one...

Well... I was just coming out of the Bed, Bath, & Beyond store on 6th Ave when an approximately 10 year old Hasidic Jewish boy came up to me with a small box in hand and asked me, "Are you Jewish?"... I wasn't too sure if I heard correctly so I politely said, "Excuse me?" with a small gentle smile. He asked me again, "Are you Jewish?" This time around, my small gentle smile stretched from ear to ear and I replied, "No." The boy then said, "Oh.. okay, then have a good day." He went away kinda disappointed... LOL...!! I then crossed the street and just kept on walking... I couldn't help but smile and wonder at what just happend. I then looked down at myself and realized that I was dressed in what seemed to be all black in the evening... plus, I had a small goatee... I must have looked Jewish to him... as I made way towards Union Square... there was a bunch of young Hasidic Jews celebrating Hanuka... they had a mobile truck projecting Jewish music from the Union Square park... later that evening, I saw the same truck parade around the area...

Wow... first I looked hispanic... now I look Jewish... LOL...!! For a moment... I was starting to wonder if my heavily Hasidic neighborhood started to rub off on me... LOL...!!

The Strong-Willed

Blah... it's Friday morning... here I am dressed in suit and tie... working... I have to go to my company's holiday party tonight after work... it's being held at the "Down Town Association" at 60 Pine Street... a dramatic difference from last year's "Tavern on the Green"... there were no "oohhs" or "ahhhs" when the location was announced at our last monthly company dinner meeting... but anyway... it'll just be a repeat of last year's experience I bet... :(

Well... the purpose of this blog isn't about the holiday party... it's about the below article that I read this morning about a Muslim woman. You should read it... it's a very sad story, but yet, it's a story about being strong-willed, having the desire to fight on, determination, and staying true to one's belief. The story didn't end the way I had hoped as I read it, but it did end in a way that showed strong-willed change.

The story reminded me of my first love. I still love him very much and this will never change. I will always find him a beautiful person... someone who loved me with all his heart unselfishly. I felt that in his life, I always came first. He too was Muslim. Our religious belief or my previous lack of religious belief often came between us in odd ways. It was over time that I slowly learned about his culture and his beliefs. If you know anything about being a Muslim in all the traditional sense, in the western world, then you would know that it ain't easy...! Anyhow, read the article... put yourself in her shoes and see how it takes strict self-determination to really invoke change in life. If it can happen in her life, it can probably happen in your's. Self-determination for change... it's hardly a new concept, but truly taking action, may be for most of us.

NY Times Article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/15/nyregion/15muslim.html?hp&ex=1166245200&en=df3797451d863131&ei=5094&partner=homepage

What's on my mind?

I'm still thinking about the night I spent with Sylvester... I wish I could have done more to help. I'm sorry... I really am...

Perhaps One Day

Perhaps one day I will experience the joys of this couple...

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/06/realestate/greathomes/06GH-france.html?em&ex=1165554000&en=14f16b903be43843&ei=5087%0A

perhaps one day...