"Let love heal the heart. Let time heal the pain."

12/06/2006, 1:36pm:
I can never seem to find the time to complete the below blog... well, actually... it's more like... it's still too difficult to complete it... perhaps I will complete it at another time in the near future... please check back.

"Let love heal the heart. Let time heal the pain." This was a quote given to me by my boss after she heard about Sylvester. Her dog of 10 years, Rusty, passed away about three weeks prior to Sylvester's passing. Rusty was paralyzed during a visit to the vet. Suspicion is that Rusty was mishandled by the staff of care takers during her x-ray procedure. Rusty cried all the way to the animal ER on her truck and was put to sleep the same day. Rusty was also later cremated.


Started 10/20/2006, revised sporadically:

It's been three weeks since Sylvester left. I've experienced a wave of emotions. I haven't really shared a lot of it with my friends or family members other than the occasional, "I miss Sylvester" or "I want to hold him". I don't think most of them would understand. I think it takes another pet lover to fully understand the magnitude of it all.

My life often plays back at night when I sleep and when I day dream... much like a broken record. There are a few scenes from three weeks ago that just won't stop playing. It's like a burnt in plasma display. The scenes play in perfect order with perfect details and in vivid colors... the perfect flashback.

Screen I, Act I: The Door Mat
I came home from the gym on Thursday evening around 10:30 -11pm. Both my roommates were either fast asleep or in their rooms doing their own thing. I found Sylvester lying on the front door's door mat, with his face facing the door. He looked tired and sickly, worse than the condition I left him in a few hours prior.

Screen I, Act II: The Call For Help

Screen II, Act I: The Blockade

Screen II, Act II: Let Me Be Close

Screen II, Act III: Let Me Die

Screen III, Act I: A Call To Doctor Death

Screen III, Act II: Peace

I'm Staying a Little Longer

"Hi... Mr. Chan?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Dr. Solomon. We did some bloodwork on Sylvester tonight and he is doing much better. The Maalox definitely helped a lot with his phosphorous levels. However, he is currently low on potassium and protein. I will start him on another pill called Tumilk to help bring up his potassium levels and hopefully when he starts eating again, his protein levels will come up. I will also give him Cyproheptadine. It is a drug that will help him get his appetite back. So, come in to pick him up and we will show you how to give him his medications and how to perform the fluid injection."

"Ok."

When I got there to the animal hospital, I watched a midage woman bring in a stray cat. The white and orange kitty still didn't have a name when asked by the medical clerk.

"Do you have other pets under our care or this is the only cat?"

"Oh yeah. I have two other pets under your care. If I didn't have them I would be all alone. I would go crazy", the midage woman dressed in unfashionable clothes and drove a dark colored 1980's boxy-looking car replied to the medical clerk. As she said the word "alone", she choked up and sounded teary and the rest of "I would go crazy" trailed off softly with a tone that said, "I know you don't care." And she was right, the medical clerk didn't care whether she was lonely or crazy... she just wanted to make sure she collected the payment.

I can't help but feel sorry for her. I know she isn't the only "lonely" person who spends her time with pets for companionship. A midage man brought in a stray a day before and he seemed lonely too. I felt lonely in that waiting room as well.

So, it turns out that Sylvester still has at least one life left in him and he is holding onto it with determination. This morning was the first time I gave him "kitty dialysis". I hung the plastic bag of fluid in the kitchen where a house plant use to hang and proceeded with the needle set up. I was told to hang the bag as high as I could for the fluids to flow more quickly. With a snap, a push, and a pull, I got the needle ready for his dialysis. I stuck the needle him and watched a patch of fur slowly rise from the fluids. I gave him 100ml of fluids to help hydrate him and to flush out the toxins. Throughout the whole pilling and needle sticking process this morning, he didn't flinch one bit; as if he knew that he needed it to survive.

Day Three

Today is day number three that Sylvester has been in and out of the pet hospital. Perhaps another day to go before they can determine whether he has any kidney functions left. It's such a long grueling process for him to go through.

When I picked him up from the hospital yesterday night at 7:30pm, he was so tired looking that he only meowed once when he saw me. It sounded like he was saying, "Please take me home."

Before leaving the hospital, the doctor once again showed me the new techniques I had to pick up quick in order to take care of him at home. She showed me how to pop a pill into his mouth, feed him via a syringe, and administer his liquids for dialysis. It was so overwhelming...

"Before you go home tonight, make sure you go to the pharmacy to pick up some Maalox and Pepcid."

"What's that stuff for?"

"The Maalox and Pepcid is to be given after he eats each meal. The Maalox contains magnesium which binds to the phosphorus in his food and helps him pass it out of his body. Too much phosphorus in his body is bad for his kidneys. [or something like that] The Pepcid helps with the gas that's in his stomache. Oh, give him 1 tablet of Baytril each morning as well for the next two weeks [provided that he is to make it out alive with some kidney functions]. It's an oral antibiotic, just in case he gets an infection in his kidneys. Also, give him 2 units of insulin since sugar was detected in his urine again. In other words, he is diabetic again since he ate a little today. When you go home tonight, feed him at least 6cc's of food then give him 3cc's of Maalox, and 2 units of Humilin. In the morning before you bring him back, give him food, 3cc's of Maalox, 5mg's of Pepcid, 1 tablet of Baytril, and insulin."

"Ok."

"Your bill is $177 for today."

The previous bill was $311. And it is estimated to cost another $300 for today and tomorrow. Pet insurance... why didn't I get pet insurance??

When Sylvester got home and the cage was opened, Sylvester crawled to the litter pan, peed and his next stop was his favorite bath mat upstairs. That poor kitty... he leaped his way up the stairs with an IV needle still attached to his right front leg. Both his front legs were shaved of fur since they couldn't stick the needle into his vein on the left leg. He stayed there the rest of the night until this morning when he came down looking for me and his litter pan. He finally had some bowel movements after 3 long days. The doctor said he was constipated because his body was absorbing all the water for his kidneys.

Force feeding him yesterday night wasn't too difficult, in fact, he didn't even have enough energy to squirm away. I fed him 36cc's of a prescription cat food that the doctor gave me and gave him all his meds. After all the food and drugs I stuffed down his throat, he was tired and I was tired. I picked him up, closed the bathroom door, and cradled him in my arms as I sat on the bathroom floor, leaning on the tub. I said a little prayer and scratched him the way he liked. He didn't respond much. Agony was written on his little furry face. I think he was saying, "I think it's time." I teared a little like I am tearing now and decided reluctantly that even if he has some kidney functions left, I might still have him euthanized if he doesn't maintain a quality of life on kitty dialysis. I don't want to see him suffer. I don't want to see him clinging onto the bath mat like he is clinging onto his death bed... lingering on day after day in a pointless existence.

I slept with my bedroom door open for the past few nights which is very unsual for me as I tend to feel "vunerable" when I'm asleep alone; that's why I tend to hug an extra pillow on top of me. I slept with the door open, just so that if Sylvester ever needed me during the night, I would be available. Each time I woke up to pee and to get some water, I checked up on him too. He was always quiet and motionless... just squinting his tired eyes at me and perhaps letting out a gentle and tired "meow".

I wonder how he's doing now and what the doctor will tell me tonight when I go pick him up. Decisions to be made... sigh. I guess Sylvester finally used up all his nine lives...

I need a hug...

To Let Live or To Let Be?

Finally Sylvester's judgement day is what seems to be around the corner. Sylvester's been rather sickly for the past two weeks or so... He's lost weight and has gotten more lifeless. He refuses to eat and to play... even offering him people's tuna fish didn't interest him. Since he hasn't been eating, I've stopped his insulin injections for two days already. What he did eat, came back out in either case.

I took him to see Dr. Kaufman the first thing yesterday morning (10/15/2006). I skipped my sunday class and still had to wake up early. I'm so tired these days...

After informing the doctor of Sylvester's recent health changes and what I thought it may be this time, the doctor asked to keep Sylvester at the clinic so they could run some lab tests on him. About an hour later, the prognosis wasn't good.

Dr. Kaufman said, "Sylvester's kidneys over the summer wasn't great, but wasn't too bad either", but over the past two months, things have changed. "Sylvester's kidneys are pretty bad. We are trying to determine whether he has any kidney functions left at all." So, over the next three days, Sylvester would be dropped off at the clinic in the morning and picked up at night, so they could monitor his kidney functions.

After seeing how he hasn't eaten in a day and a half, I decided to force feed him yesterday night as advised by the doctor. I first used a syringe to inject tuna juice into his mouth and then ended up spoon feeding him small clumps of tuna meat. I managed about a little more than a tablespoon. Sylvester of course was kicking and squirming with what little strength he had left in his frail body.

He's taken up residency in the bathroom and won't budge one single bit from the bath mat, unless he had to use the litter box. His hind legs are dragging a bit like it did about 3 years ago when he was diagnosed with diabetes.

So, the wait begins... in three days time I would know whether this time next week he would still be here. If it is determined that he still has some kidney functions left, I would have to inject him for 5 minutes a day with liquid under the skin below his neck. The liquid is suppose to help flush out the toxins in his blood and kidneys... think of it as kitty dialysis... If it is determined that he has no kidney functions left... well... euthanasia is the solution... "It is not a pleasant way to go with kidney disease. Some tough decisions would have to be made."

I seem to still go about doing my own thing for the past two days after knowing the prognosis... I've even cooked two meals yesterday... I think it's because I'm trying not to think too much about it. But, my eyes can't seem to stop tearing as I write this blog. I will miss him very very much. I don't want him to go. He's the only constant good in my life it seems... but I don't want him to suffer as well... if he must go, I will spend some time with him and then let him go gently... He's been in my life for 15 years... exactly half my life. He stuck around through thick and thin and brought great joy to my life and to the lives of other's. I still can't picture my home without him... he's like a fixature that makes a house a home. In all his silly ways... he's my love.

He's been a good kitty... I know the Lord would let him in... may it be quick and with peace... I love you Sylvester.

Wedding Day

The lights were dimming, the music was blasting, and the MC was rowdying up the crowd to welcome the newly weds. Confetti and streamers were launching into air as the guests banged away on their cups and plates... the couple proudly breezed through the center of the banquet hall, down the center of the dance floor, and to the stage upfront dancing to their first dance. Everyone was cheering them on... clapping to the beat of the music...

Weddings... many people I know dread going to weddings... they remind them of themselves mostly and usually not the good things either...

I'm 30 years old this year... I should be married and with first child by now according to the Chinese standards... wait another few years and I would be a misfit.

I couldn't help yesterday (10/08/2006), but to picture how my wedding day would be... if I ever have one. Would I have a banquet hall filled with guests? Would there be guests at all...?? Afterall, I am gay. How does a gay wedding even work? Would I be the one tossing the bouquet of flowers or the one reaching for the garter? Hmmm... would there be a bouquet of flowers or a garter?? I dunno.

I guess I really shouldn't be thinking about my wedding day... I mean... gay marriage isn't even legal.