How good will I be?

First day at the clinic in the year of the Rabbit was an eye opener for me. We treated three very different patients for very different conditions. Each one made me think how I should handle the situation if the patient was at my future office. Because Chinese medicine can treat such a wide variety of conditions, there will be no shortage of interesting and complex cases. And since most patients see a Chinese medicine practitioner as a last resort because western medicine had failed to effectively help them, the pressure just becomes so much greater to know this medicine so well. It's simply amazing to watch our practitioners use pulse, tongue, and palpation to diagnosis diseases. Can you imagine watching your instructor in class palpate a fellow student's Large Intestine meridian on the WRIST and determined that she had thyroid issues and was right on about it? Sometimes I worry that I won't be that good. :P

Better Plan Ahead

I knew that being gay I would face many hardships in life that heterosexuals would not have to deal with, but I didn't think too much about being gay and old. After reading an article on CNN, I'm a bit depressed now.

Not only is it hard to find that someone special in life, but growing old with that someone special has its own challenges too. I know it is way too early to even think about it all, but it just shows how our community is discriminated against.

Side note... I've been thinking... perhaps when I have my private practice, I would focus on serving the LGBT community as a way to provide that extra support to the community.

Third Clinic Shift

I just got out of my clinic shift on this chilly beautiful Saturday afternoon.

I am really enjoying myself at school. The classes are so fascinating and everything is just so hands on. Even though I'm only an "Observer" in clinic, I get to participate in tongue and pulse diagnosis during the patient intake process. Who would have known that there can be approximately 29 different tongue patterns for diagnosis in TCM?

So far the patients I've seen are pretty fascinating; especially the patient with fibroids. We've seen AMAZING results with her even after her first treatment. She's been back for 3 visits already and will be back next week. The last patient today was a heart felt one. She's near retirement age and seemingly has no family. She's been so stressed at work for the past two months due to a new boss and having the constant reminder that she may NOT have a job. She came in for a treatment for her allergies, but it was more serious than that. As my intern and I took her pulse, she started to cry. It made me all teary eyed too. I just wanted to give her a hug. My intern started patting and rubbing on her shoulder to comfort her and told her, "It's okay. You are here to let it all out. Don't hold it back." The patient was just so stressed out and emotional. We gave her tissues and I told her, "Don't worry. PB will take good care of you." She nodded and smiled.

Even though we are still students trying to learn this medicine to help our patients, I feel that we have made such huge impacts in our patients' lives. In the three short weeks that I've been in clinic, I've seen patients coming in feeling better and doing better and feeling that they have finally found answers to their personal needs and well being. We've even had a patient come in and told us that she's "firing" her doctor because we were able to treat her condition effectively in one treatment where her doctor still hasn't offered any effective treatment other than prescribing heavier dosages of pain medication.

The more I learn this medicine, the more I believe in this medicine in being the answer to a lot of medical conditions that western medicine has yet to effectively address; other than just simply increasing the medication to mask the condition.

Don't get me wrong. Western medicine is powerful in what it can do, but it's got to admit that it can't do it all. Medicating a patient to me is not an effective form of treatment to resolve a condition; especially if it causes more harm with side effects.

Alas, I know that there's a lot more to learn and the learning process will never end. I just pray that I can learn this medicine well, practice it well, and help many lives during my life time.

This is the treatment room my intern and I use to treat patients. I help set up the room before and after each patient and I also prepare the sterile work area for the needles.


I made my very FIRST granule herbal formula today under my intern's supervision. It was awesome combining an herbal formula with six single herbs to form a new formula that's customized for the patient's condition. That's the beauty of Chinese Medicine... it can be customized for each patient.

"Only In New York"

"Only in New York"... a simple line it may be... but always true to its heart.

I just missed the biggest spontaneous event of New York City of 2009. Our very own first blizzard of the season. What seems to be hundreds of people gathered together to spontaneously start a snowball fight of the century. Strangers from all corners of the world joined in on the fun; tossing snow at each other with no worries of retaliation. The event took place at Times Square at 1am in the morning... still bustling with people.

No one was hurt, no gun was pulled (unlike D.C.), and everyone was a target... all captured by a photographer. This sensation sprung life of its own and even has its own Facebook fan site.

Just two days ago I was talking with my sisters about moving out of NYC. I was complaining of the cold and the snow I had to shovel. I have many reasons to want to leave, but just a simple story of a snowball fight makes me think again. Perhaps us diehard NYers are so desensitized to the world that we don't stop to appreciate the simple things the city as to offer anymore. We can't seem to appreciate our city for all that it's worth. All those that visit NYC often leave with three words on their lips, "I love NY!". We even have a t-shirt for this phrase!

Reading the comments left by tourists at the different websites, make me feel proud of being a NYer. :) Maybe I'll even buy lunch at a street vendor cart again... afterall... "only in NY".

"Blizzard 2009 | Snowball fight Times Square" Photos

CNN iReport Coverage

The Destiny

So, it's that time of year again where we get all dressed up to please the powers that be at work. I have my company holiday party tonight on the boat "The Destiny". We will be departing from the World Yacht Marina (Pier 81) at 8pm and won't return back to the pier until midnight.

I decided to bring my sister along this year. I'm just so tired of going alone year after year. I figured that it would also be a good experience for her as well. Hopefully my co-workers will make the departure time... they all claimed to be going, but all left work early to "get dressed". In actuality, a lot of people didn't think the boat party is a good idea.

In either case, I'm just looking to enjoy myself with some good food and views of Manhattan and the outer boroughs. I just hope the night air wouldn't be bone chilling.

A long night lies ahead... I better put on some lip balm... otherwise my lips would get all sore from ass kissing. LOL...!

1 Lost, 1 Accident, 2 Gains

This past weekend was anything, but the usual weekends that I've been having.

I lost one long time friend, not to illness, but to a decision I felt I needed to make. Letting go this friend was something that I felt I had to do. When someone doesn't see you or treat you like the friend you thought you were, what do you do?

If you have spoken to this friend a few times regarding how you felt about your friendship and nothing changes, what do you do?

If you share your life experiences with this friend and this friend doesn't reciprocate, what do you do?

I felt that it was clear, that I wasn't a friend this individual valued. Perhaps our values and our ideas of friendship are just too different. It is okay. Life has taught me that if things were meant to be, they would be. In this case, forging a friendship with all its chinks is just not going to happen. Sometimes letting the ornate piece fall apart will be more natural; at least the piece will have history if not a future.

After losing this friend, I had a car accident. Luckily no one was seriously hurt. I was stopped at a red light behind another car on Ave J and Ocean Parkway, when a dark Honda Accord hit me from behind. My airbag did not deploy.

Moments after I was hit, I thought that I was dreaming. I thought that I was dreaming about losing a friend and that I was dreaming that I was awoken by a car accident. As I came out of this nightmare, I realized that life did throw me two fast balls and I was only able to fend off one. What a way to end on a Friday night!?

I dialed 911 from inside my car and gave them the details of my location. I slowly then crept out of my car to check my car and to confront the other driver. My neck and head had a slight throbbing pain and some soreness. I got her name and cell phone number and filed a police report. I told her that she shouldn't need to worry too much as I wasn't the type of person to take advantage of the situation, but that if I needed medical care afterwards, I would contact her.

She seemed sincere in her apologies and told me that she had problems with her contacts when she failed to stop. I accepted her apologies, but still told her that if I needed medical care that I would contact her.

Before anything got any worse, I scheduled an acupuncture session at my school the following day. They inserted needles on my neck, back, arms and legs as a preventive measure. They also applied a minty liniment on my neck and back as they heated my upper back with a medical heat lamp. I also asked several of my classmates to administer the back, neck, and shoulder tuina protocols on me. As of this moment, I still feel fine and believe that I don't have any lasting injuries.

The rest of my weekend was a busy one with family. I enjoyed it very much.

Since I received so much TLC from strangers at school, I decided to pay it forward by treating two patients on Sunday with tuina. It was a lot of work for me as I was still feeling a bit mentally and physically drawn; not to mention the fact that I had an egg sized bruise on my left hand between my thumb and index finger. But, receiving two very gracious emails this evening more than made up for it. :)

The following emails are from the two patients I treated this past Sunday. After all this, I gained two very encouraging messages of inspiration; messages, that I hope one day will come from more of my friends.

Email from Patient YF:

"Just wanted to let you know that I felt pretty good today after yesterday's Tui Na, especially since it's the third day of my you know what...lol

I was pretty much pain free throughout the workday, and my muscles overall were not as tight as usual.

Definitely 80% improvement from yesterday! Today i didn't feel that intense throbbing ache and tightness that I usually experience during my period. Just a little bit. I hope it'll stay that way.

Thanks for all the time and effort you put into the Tui Na yesterday. It really helped.

So......when can I book my next appointment with you? ...lol..."

Email from Patient CM:

"You're a miracle...my head doesn't hurt anymore..my ear or throat
either..lols Thanks! Chinese meds and techniques do wonders! Enjoy
class."

Treatment Room

My GAWD... Look at my underground treatment room! LOL...!!! Yes. I've held "treatments" at my home this past weekend and they are not of the sexual kind! My treatments were free and slightly on the trial and error side, but that is not to say that I didn't know what I was doing at all.

From the training that I have gone thru so far, I can technically treat a small variety of musculoskeletal disorders using tuina. Some of the disorders that I could treat include sciatica, frozen shoulder, bursitis, tennis elbow, golfer's elbow, torn rotator cuff muscles, scapular pain, back pain, and neck pain. In the upcoming weeks, I would be treating the lower extremities as well.

Attempt to Reconnect

Hi... I know I haven't spoken to many of you for months, if not for
years even. It was never my intention to lose touch, but the hermit
in me always seems to win. Life also seems to always keep me busy in
ways that I never intended... some good... some not so good... but,
that's life.

I just wanted to take this opportunity and a little of your time to
perhaps "reconnect". :)

So... some of you have known that I was comtemplating going back to
school late last year, but due to certain circumstances, I wasn't able
to. Well... I am back in school again while I'm stilling working full
time at Teach For America as QA Lead for their Websphere Portal
project. Work has been brutal this past year with salary cuts, health
insurance premium increases and tons of finger pointing by the
client... but, I've managed. I started the project two years ago as
one of the testers, but have now taken the position as QA Lead with a
small staff of testers. With the new role, I have new
responsibilities, but I also have the authority to restructure the
whole QA process into a more manageable one.

Alas, work is work... :)

My new love is in school... and for those who know me a bit better,
know that I HATE school. I guess all that changed when I finally went
back to my first love... medicine.

I am now enrolled in Pacific College of Oriental Medicine studying to
be an acupuncturist... a Traditional Chinese Medicine practioner to be
more precise. The modalities of the trade include acupuncture,
moxibustion, cupping, herbology (chinese internal medicine), guasha
(scrape therapy), dietary therapy, and tuina (medical massage
therapy).

It's going to be a long journey... 4 years full time or 8 years part
time. My education will include both chinese medicine and western
medicine. My clinical shifts will also start next semester where I
will be an observer.

Best of all... I'm enjoying it and I'm loving it. :)

Well... thanks for reading thus far... I have one more request of
you... can you please email me your cell phone number and other
contact information that you would like to share with me? :) I have
been without a working cellphone and now no phonebook contacts for a
few months already.

I hope this email finds you and your loved ones in good health and spirits.

Enjoy your weekend.

Sparky

--
"If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me."
- W.H. Auden, 1907-1973

Secret Feminist

"It's because you are a secret feminist on the inside..."
"Uhm... actually I am..."

And so it goes... my Clinical Counseling instructor announced my secret to the world... well, to the class at least.

I don't remember the discussion that lead up to those precise words, but I admitted in front of the class that I was a secret feminist after a split second of comtemplation. He grinned as he said those words as if his gaydar picked me right up long ago. Just so you know... my passive gaydar also picked him up about 3 weeks prior to his outburst and his openness about this male partner. :)

Strangely enough, Dr. E reminds me of Client 10. His hard to gauge, tough cookie, in your face personality was strangely attractive to me. I guess it also helps that he's got a goatee and has a natural affinity to all things asian; except asian food. lol... "I hate asian food." Sure... he hates asian food, but definitely likes Korean BBQ.

His class instruction is so far from the norm that it actually caused two students to drop the class and two others to be all bent out of shape. Me? Psss... I know how to handle another Queen. He likes me and says "Thank you sir." when I leave his class. lol... I guess it takes a Queen, uhm Princess, to know how to handle another Queen.

So, what the hell is a "secret feminist"? I think he meant to say that I was gay, so I answered his statement with a double meaning; one to show my support for equality for women and two to state loud and clear "Yes, I'm gay. Wanna check me out?" LOL...

Gosh... class is so much more fun than work. It's a lot of work involved, but the people in my school are so selfless and friendly and wholesome. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that we are all studying this medicine to be healers and not to become rich. As we all know, acupuncturist/Chinese medicine practioners only make around $20k to $30k the first few years we start our practice. It is not until our 10th year do we even get close to six figures.

Mr. Cutie is not a "secret feminist" since I saw him check out another chick's butt... well... then again, he looked me up and down one day. Hmm... bi maybe? In either case, Mr. Cutie might move to New Mexico in a year or so. His late grandfather left him a big grand house. Sigh... there goes any possibilities. I also found out that Mr. Cutie used to play competitive tennis in college. He actually went to college on a tennis scholarship. He had to retire his racket after a shoulder injury. He's no longer playing now, even though acupuncture and Chinese Medicine completely healed his shoulder and that he no longer needs surgery. What a waste! I bet he looks hot running around in tennis shorts. LOL...!!

Anyway... school is still awesome... still fun... still amazing... I'm still convinced that TCM is for me... I'm also feeling a sense of pride knowing that my mom and my sister both had treatments done by a former PCOM instructor and a PCOM graduate without actually knowing before hand.

My sister is still recovering from being hospitalized in the hospital for 4 days. The western doctors (a bunch of them) took four days of running a long list of tests before they could diagnosis what was causing her double vision. They finally concluded that her 3rd nerve in the brain, near her vision area was inflamed. They placed her on six days of an aggressive steriod treatment when they sent her home. On day six of the treatment, she still had double/blurry vision. Seeing that the steriods didn't do anything by day five, she went to have acupuncture done with my mom. After one session, she is seeing and driving again. The acupuncturist told my mom that there's nothing to worry about and that it'll take 2-3 treatments to restore my sister's vision.

Could it be that the steriods was finally kicking in on day six? Could be. Was it the acupuncture that restored her vision? I would like to think so. Did my tuina facial techniques relax her facial/eye muscles? I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't one modality that was solely responsible for the miraculous outcome. Perhaps it was all collective...

So, what's the lesson here? Integrative Medicine.

First Successful Treatment

I am happy to say that I treated my first patient yesterday with great success. :)

The patient, let's call him "Patient X", was experiencing shooting pain on his left upper limb and left lateral superior scapula. Patient X had this sharp pain for about a week, but said that it was acumulative over the past months and is most likely work related. He had tried hand held massagers and pain relieving bandages, but nothing worked for him.

Knowing that the patient did not experience any direct trauma/force to the affected area, I decided that I could try treating him with a few Tuina techniques.

I worked on his entire trapezius muscle with special emphasis along GB 21 to LI 16. I also focused on SI 11 and LI 4 to send Qi up his arm to the base of his skull. After about 20 minutes working on the patient, the patient's pain in his arm was almost entirely gone. He was also able to move his neck and felt that he overall radically improved. :)

So... I'm no doctor yet, but this experience is definitely a positive one. I can't wait until I learn more Tuina techniques!

Actually Loving School

"I'm actually loving school."

I never thought that I would EVER EVER EVER say that, but then again, I never studied something that was so captivating to me.

I finally got approval from my dean to drop biology as a requirement. I'm so glad. I mean, I did have 6 college credits for bio. What makes me feel even better is the fact that my bio instructor actually picked my first homework assignment as the "gold standard" for scientific research and theory development. I found this out from a classmate since I dropped the class before I went to class again.

My course work is really piling on now and the lessons are getting more involved, but I still haven't fallen asleep yet or even gotten bored. :)

I have a little confession to make... I've developed a tiny little crush on one of my classmates too. lol... he's cute, intelligent, and totally my type...! But... unfortuantely, I'm not sure if he's gay or even bi. I haven't gotten the courage to become more engaging with him beyond small talk... and rats... that white girl model sat right next to him in class. Obviously, she knows how to pick out the hotties in class. sigh...

Well, it's funny... when it was time to do palpations, Mr. Cutie didn't pair up with the white girl model... he actually didn't even pair up with anyone... this is where I came in. Seeing that he was so lonely... I walked up to him, stood next to him for a minute, then when he still didn't pair up, I paired up with him with four others. :) ehehhee... this gets good...

For our last class, we palpated the different parts of the shoulders. Not much action there, but it was fun. :) I volunteered first to be palpated. I was touched by two women and two men, but Mr. Cutie just stood there and didn't lay his hands on me. What a gentleman. HA. After I was palpated, I palpated two women and one guy. That just didn't cut it for me so I asked Mr. Cutie to sit down on the chair so that we could palpate him instead. hehehee... This was fun. I took my sweet old time feeling his clavicle, down to the acromion, along the scapula spine, feeling his infraspinatus muscle, his supraspinatus muscle, trapezius, medial border of his scapular, inferior angle, deltoids, and finally the biceps. :) In hindsight... I think he actually asked for a massage if I heard correctly. Hmmm... did I really miss that???

In either case... we were all professionals and yes, we palpated with clothes on. :) But I did hear that in the circulatory massage class... everyone has to take their clothes off... yes, including the girls... what a horror that would be. LOL...!!!

Anyway, I'm having fun and I'm learning. :) Having a Mr. Cutie to keep things interesting definitely helps too!

Acceptance

It's kinda refreshing going back to school and this time around, I'm no longer the shy little asian kid sitting in the front of class. I'm actually trying to make some new friends if not just study or practice partners. Everyone seems to be much nicer too, perhaps it's because we are no longer kids or perhaps it's just the nature of healers. Yes... we are all on the path of becoming healers. Even that blond white girl model in my classes is all about the "good stuff" in life. :)

While I'm trying to make new friends, I can't help but think in my head, "Should I come out to them? Would it be acceptable? Would I again be discriminated against in school?"

A week ago, I received an email from our student body that a Queer Student Alliance(QSA) was being formed for the first time in our school. I'm excited about it! I've already decided that I would participate if I can. I've never done such a thing in the past before, so this would be a great opportunity to meet other LGBT people who are going to be healers too.

All this talk about school... I should be heading over there now... guess what? I just discovered yesterday that I can actually walk to Union Square to take the train when going home instead of taking the train at 23rd street. Sigh... for those who know me, would understand what I mean. Another thing... a tourist asked me where the Empire State Building was this morning... I couldn't tell him, only to find out that it was right behind me a few blocks over! LOL...

Yang Rising

So... I'm in my third week of Chinese Medical school and my gawd is it fascinating!

I haven't fallen asleep in class yet... I haven't gotten bored yet... I haven't fallen behind yet... and most of all... I've touched more men then I've touched in years. LOL...!!! Of course... it's all done professionally and for learning purposes. *wink* ;) (Side note: I've also touched women... ick! Pass the Lysol wipes pleeease!!!)

At the conclusion of week two of full time work and close to full time school, I was already burnt out, but my mind still didn't know it yet. It all started with 4 deep fried chicken wings and a pint of pork fried rice for dinner on a starving starving starving Friday night to trigger it all. On Saturday morning... my eyes were bloodshot. So red that they would put Edward's to shame. (BTW, I think the hairy werewolf dude is much cuter than the blood sucker.)

So, after touching my girl partner (ick) in my tuina class and scaring off the other half of class, I went to the school's clinic to get my eyes looked at. Crystal, a pretty white girl, took me in as her walk in patient since her original patient cancelled. After speaking with me, taking my pulse, and looking at my tongue, she diagnosed my condition to be due to "Yang rising".

The next thing I knew, I was flat on my back, jeans rolled up to my knees, no shoes, no socks, and no shirt... for those straight guys... this would be heaven. :) For me, it was pure wonder. For a moment, I even felt like I was on an alien's examination table after being teleported to their spaceship while asleep. Moments later... about 20 acupuncture needles where stuck in me and moxi was burning on my bare tummy. As her assistant removed the moxi before it left permanent marks, Crystal channeled her Qi energy through the various inserted needles. MY GAWD... did I feel her Qi energy. It's not of pain of course. I just felt a slight electrifying effect of energy flowing through my body. This was my second acupuncture session, so I knew what it was like. After Crystal started the Qi energy flow in me, she left the room with her assistant to let me rest for 20 minutes. I almost fell asleep since it was so peaceful and relaxing; even though I had needles in my head.

At the end of my session, she prescribed a patented herbal formula in pill form to help relieve my sinus pressure as well. Today is day three after my session and I already feel much better. My eyes are almost back to normal. My Yang is still excessive, but it'll take more than one session to calm it. She advised to me that the Fall is about "gathering your harvest and slowing down" and that I should take it easy. :)

The more I learn about Chinese Medicine, the more I have respect for it. :) Thanks Crystal...!

Facebook

I read a very interesting article in Time magazine this morning... well, the electronic version... it talked about coming out via Facebook.

As of this blog entry, I still do not have a Facebook profile. I've received numerous requests and invitations for Facebook and even Myspace, but I just ignored them all. I simply find updatiing a profile online on a regular basis very tiring. I already have a problem finding time to blog, let alone having to "interact" with dozens of people via an online profile.

After reading the article, I'm starting to rethink the whole Facebook thing. Time magazine sums it up best:

<< Coming out used to be an exhausting process. You had to come out again and again and again to all your friends at different times. Nowadays, even with social networking, gays still have to come out, but one of the key differences between our pre-profile selves and our new online presentations is that now (finally!) the burden is also on our friends to discover and digest our identities. For the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community, Facebook et al have finally leveled the identity field, and it's kinda nice. >>

So... perhaps I might spend some time creating a Facebook profile afterall... but, don't expect me to spend hours updating it or even sending invites to "connect" with people... well... maybe when I have time. :P

Tuesday Blues

I have the blues today. Well, actually since over the weekend. I'll probably talk about it in another blog at another time. It's a bit deep and will probably take more time to write than I have now. It has to do with the fact that my mom will most likely require a third surgery for her back and a second surgery for her neck. It's gotten to me to the point where I haven't slept well for the past three nights.... except Saturday night when I made myself a Mojito before bed AND discovered that I'm allergic to rum.

It's drizzly outside and has been so for the past 4-5 days. Not the type of weather that cheers one up. I guess I could deal with it as long as there's no flooding in the basement.

My tummy's been aching a bit lately too. Not sure if it's stress related or that I've been purposefully eating a little less each day and skipping a meal occasionally the past week or so. Yes... yes... it's silly of me to do so in hopes of a flatter stomach by summer time. sigh... Well, the gay world is so superficial. I gotta do everything that I can do to make myself feel better... including fasting. It of course doesn't help when my body goes into Yogi Bear mode during the winter months. I'm just beginning to see my waistline again.

I did something silly recently... I bought some tan through clothing online. LOL. They were pricey, but I thought they would be worth it if I had a complexion versus looking pale and sickly. When the clothing arrived... I understood why they are called tan through clothing. They are so thin that I can actually see through them! LOL... gosh... and I bought a pair of swimming trunks too... wouldn't that be a sight... shiney white buns turning a rosy pink. :)

Okay... I've held my pee long enough to finish this blog. I'm gonna call it a day. I'm hitting the gym tonight... *grasp* I'm meeting Mr. Scale tonight... I wonder what it has to say about my weight. :P

Contemplations

It's been a long while since I've posted anything... on many levels it was intentional... If you've been a regular follower of my blog, you would have realized that I'm pretty open in my entries. Due to this nature, blogging about half baked thoughts and changing my mind every other day would make me seem finicky or loony even. I promise... I have a pretty straight head on my shoulders.. just with not so straight thoughts. :)

I do miss blogging... I do miss the therapeutic aspect of blogging (there goes the loony part). So, like the many things that I've contemplated in the past four months, I've contemplated about blogging again for the past one month. Strange... I know. What's the big deal?

The big deal? Well... I had a friend ask me if I had manic depression. Oh GOD No! I asked why he felt or thought this way about me... his response, "You sometimes sound very depressed in your blog." Now, do you know why I had to kinda re-evaluate about blogging and being so straight forward with things? Well... of course I did get lazy somewhat due to a more hectic work schedule as well.

Anyway... on to the juicy stuff. :)

Juicy List:
1. No boyfriend
2. No sugar daddy(ies) - (plural for the good days that had gone by)
3. Same job (hating it)
4. 10% Pay cut
5. No planned vacation (as of yet)
6. No fb, bb, cb, or any of the sort

AND... the juicy list ends there... not much juice, uh? Kinda like having dried prunes stuck in your colon. The dried prunes are suppose to make you shit out the bad stuff and make you feel "refreshed", but instead it's just causing gas and stomach cramps. Oh... gosh... I could hear his voice again.... "Are you a manic depressive?" NO!! LOL! Just being bitchy at the moment... can you blame me for not getting any for an extended long while now!? LOL!

Okay... here's a shot of prune juice... I'm going to a dating service tomorrow night. YIKES! "Gosh... he's that desperate, uh?", you must be thinking. Well, I was actually asked by a friend of mine to join him at this event. He didn't want to go alone and I thought it would be nice to actually see what can come out of this. Sitting at home and letting my cherry riot away intentionally wouldn't do me any good, would it??

The service is being held at the Gay and Lesbian Center in NYC from 8pm to 10pm. I'll be attending the "boyfriend material" group. I suppose that this group's goal is to pair people up with others seeking a boyfriend and not just friends. I didn't want to attend the "20's to 30's" group or the "40+" group. The last thing I want is to end up with a 21 year old Twink or a 40+ year old Yogi bear.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. A part of me says, "Just go and see what it's like" and another part of me says, "Dude, this is it. Hook up or die trying for life". I don't FEEL anything about doing this. Perhaps a part of me slowly died away already. The part that I'm referring to is my heart... I can't say that my heart actually died away, because it still yearns to love, but what I can say about my heart is that it's starting to callous on the outside. I've always vowed to not ever become jaded, but with age, one probably becomes more cynical about true love.

Dare I dream a dream like Susan Boyle? Well... I can try dreaming one, but sure can't sing one. She was a total inspiration for me. I've watched her youtube clip at least five times by now. Listening to her sing brought tears to my eyes. Watching her finally gaining the acceptance that she yearned for brought tears to my eyes. She sung her dream of "singing in front of a large crowd" and sung it well. She's great. She's awesome. I hope this phenomenal dream dreams on for the millions out there that need a little dreaming of their own. :) I wish her and Pebbles success! :)

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year! :)

Wishing you and your family a very happy, healthy, and prosperous new year!

A Generation Passes

"Grandpa, I'm P-----. I'm leaving now. I will pray for you." Those were my last words to him.

When I arrived at the hospital on Monday, he was gasping heavily for air via the respirator. I noticed his arms were severely swollen and that the I.V.s were all removed. His blood pressure was 58 over 28; signaling his heart was no longer strong enough to pump his blood. The I.V.s were removed since all the fluids going into his body wasn't coming back out in the form of urine; hence the severe swelling of his arms and legs. His once I.V. bruised, dry, flaky, wrinkly, arm skin was now plump, but without color. His face was a pale yellow. With his eyes tightly closed, he continuously gasped for air.

I held his right hand several times in prayer; squeezing it occasionally to let him know that I was there. He squeezed back gently at least two times, but I'm not sure if it was just a twitch or a response.

His second wife occasionally placed a wet cotton swab in his mouth and on his lips to keep them from drying. Each time she did that, he closed his mouth and tried to suck the water from it.

His second wife told me that the doctors and nurses told her that he wouldn't make it past the night. Apparently when they informed her during the day, they spoke too loudly. My grandfather opened his eyes and let out a tear. I suppose he had a right to know, but I guess the doctors and nurses could have been a bit more discrete about it. In any case, he has passed on now.

After my last words to him, I left his room and headed to the lobby. I sat in the lobby and started praying for him again. I asked God to take away his pain and to ease his suffering. I asked God to let it be quick since he was suffering and it was time for him to go. Apparently within half an hour of my prayers, my grandfather did pass on... perhaps a few minutes too soon as my aunt and uncle only arrived to see his still warm body.

His wake will be held this Sunday afternoon and his burial will be on Monday morning. He will lay at rest next to my grandmother at Mount Pleasant.

My grandfather lived to a ripe age of 87. He was my last living grandparent. God did bless him with great grandchildren... in fact, four concurrent generations.

My grandfather leaves behind many great stories of how life was during WWII to how he built the house in which he raised his own children in.

His many stories will never be forgotten and will forever be cherished... he will not be forgotten.

"Grandpa, rest in peace. You will be remembered."

Year of the Hospital

2008 is the "Year of the Hospital".

I've been to the hospital so many times this year that I've lost track.

I was just there yesterday again to visit my grandpa. He's been there for the past two weeks... what started off as severe back pain ended up as liver cancer. I was the third person to find out and the one to break the news to my family and the relatives last night.

When I arrived at New York Downtown Hospital... formerly known as "Beekman Hospital" or the "Hospital of Death of Chinatown" among the Chinese community, it felt like second nature. I just walked right in. Hospitals never gave me the creeps or ever gave me the butterflies in my stomach. During my years as a nurse's assistant, I've seen many sick patients, mean nurses, and even witnessed some paranormal activities with a bunch of nurses at the nurses' station.

I've fed blind patients, bedridden patients, changed bed sheets, took temperatures, measured respiration, measured pulses, updated patient charts, and was even trained to contact "Dr. Pacemaker" and to assist with the crash cart. But, it is quite different to be on the other side of the fence with a sick family member.

My grandfather's condition compared to Monday was much better already. He was able to eat, drink, and even talk. On Monday, he was tied down to his bed for over two hours without painkillers. The nurses only gave him two Tylenols when he was suppose to have morphine administered. The restraints they used had left black bloody marks on both his arms. Too graphic to post on a blog, so I decided not to take pictures.

I spent time talking to him and giving him water and trying to get him into a cheery mood. I told him to make sure he drinks water when thirsty and to eat when he's hungry, so that he can get better soon so that he can leave the hospital.

"No. I don't think I'll be leaving the hospital loh..."

When he said that to me, I was surprised and curious why he said it. At this time, I still didn't know the results of his biopsy. After a few moments, I asked the nurse to update me on his condition and this is when the nurse decided that a doctor should update me instead.

Another 15 minutes passed by and a doctor came to see me. He went into the test results and mentioned the word "cancer" twice. At that point, I asked the doctor to leave the room with me so that my grandfather wouldn't hear the word "cancer" again. Even though he doesn't speak a word of english, he was intelligent enough to past his oral citizenship exam in english and he most certainly know what "cancer" is because my grandmother died from cancer.

The doctor said the cancer seemingly originated from his liver and wasn't spread from another part of his body, but further testing was needed to find out if the cancer also spread else where. The cancer is considered inoperable according to the doctor, since it is 7 mm in size and 5 mm was the max size they would operate on... I think I heard this all correctly. But, whatever the case might be... he has cancer and chemotherapy was the answer.

After my conversation with the doctor, I stepped back into the room and sat down on the recliner. I sat there with my head down and said a prayer for my grandpa as he nodded off in a light sleep. When I got up and walked over to his bed side, I gently crested his hand and patted on his lap. He woke up and was quiet and still. I was thinking to myself, "Gosh... I shoulda spoke with the doctor outside to begin with." Moments later, his wife (not my grandma) arrived with some congee for him to eat. She asked if I heard the news and I nodded. She continued on about his condition in front of my grandpa and that lead me to think that he already knew that he had cancer. I stepped to the side a bit further from my grandpa's line of sight and signaled to her if my grandpa knew and she replied verbally, "Yes. He knows."

All this time, my grandpa knew that he had cancer and didn't tell me. I was surprised, but relieved at the same time.

At the end of the visit, I asked his wife to take good care of him for me and I told my grandpa that I would come see him again. As I left his room, he sat up a little and waved goodbye to me with a smile on his face.

Prick Therapy

I've been doing some thinking lately and I am kinda exploring the possibility of a career change. I've always wanted to work within the health care industry since high school. I've volunteered at Coney Island Hospital as a nurse's assistant where I fed patients, took their temperature, pulse, and respiration readings. I also was trained to change their sheets, give them bed baths, and assist the doctors with the crash cart in the event a patient was going into cardiac arrest. I loved it all, but didn't explore further into the field... partially because I didn't quite get the emotional support from my family or the encouragement a young mind needed to make a dream into reality... the furthest I've gotten in my senior year was considering studying dentistry or radiology. Alas, engineering at the time was a hot field... hence, I picked to study electrical engineering and later computer engineering in college. The rest as they say, "is history."

Ten years after my bachelor's and about four years after my master's, I'm finding myself wanting to change my career. I can't exactly see myself programming much longer or even being a project manager in the long run. I think I need something more. I want to make a difference in people's lives on an individual basis. My engineerng teacher in high school at one point convinced us medical science students that being an engineer was better than being a doctor. He said that as a doctor, you can only help one person at a time, but as an engineer, you can help the masses. I suppose he is 100% right to some degree, but I don't find it as satisfying now as I first thought I would. I crave the individual attention that I can give someone.

I guess when you grow up dealing with doctors and hospitals most of your life because one of your parents need regular medical care and you see how most patients are treated by what I call "business doctors", you know how disgusting it can be. If I were a doctor, I can never see a patient as a dollar amount or just a prescription away from getting them to leave your office. I am simply taken aback by how common it is for a doctor to simply write you prescriptions for whatever you want before they even lay hands on you to diagnose your health problems.

Once I was telling a female doctor that I was having anxiety issues and that I was feeling depressed, she just leaned on a counter and smiled/smirked at me. Then she got up and started writing several prescriptions to "treat" my problems. She said, "These medications will make you feel all better", as if she was selling me drugs on the streets. She didn't bother to explain any further even when I asked her questions. She just continued to smile and told me to take the medications.

After I left her office, I was like... "What the fuck?!" I did get the medications, just in case I needed to "feel all better", but I also refused to take them unless I really had an anxiety attack. Since this wasn't my first time having these issues, I simply resorted to taking things easy and as they come.

I think it's a bit late in the game for me to become a "real" doctor or something... but, I thought, perhaps I can study acupuncture and Chinese herbal medicines? I don't know much about any of this, but I was able to dig up some info online. Actually... what sparked all this was a brochure I picked up at San Jose University when I was there to play racquetball during my vacation. Perhaps all this was not a coincidence? I already had thoughts about acupuncture four years ago, but I guess, more recently the thoughts have become stronger.

In the underlying reality, I subconsciously always wanted to heal my mother of all her pains and aches due to a fall she had in her thirties and simply to heal her overworked body from being a farm girl at a young age, to being a seamstress over the years. I've grown sick and tired of all those doctors that tried to help, but couldn't or didn't help, but made things worst for her. I don't think I ever will become an orthopedic surgeon in this life time to heal her, but perhaps I would be able to use acupuncture to lessen or even rid her of her pain and to help her sleep at night? I think I can still achieve this in this life time. What do you think?

I need to do some more soul searching... as I would hate to start something and not finish. It's a big change for me... especially at this point of my life. I hate school, but perhaps, studying something that I truely love would make the difference? What do you think?

Roscoe, NY

The world economy is spiraling into a recession... but, for me, it feels more like a depression. My co-workers and I just watch the DOW plunge and rise and plunge and rise each day... alas... the DOW is way down from a month ago. I have lost about 50% of my total investments with not much wiggle room left. My 5 year ARM mortgage is about to adjust in a short eight months... which means, an even higher monthly payment. Heating oil is a bitch. To heat the house for about 6 hours a day would cost me about $500 a month. I don't even blast the heat... I keep it at a constant 67 degrees at night and in the morning and a constant 60 degrees during the day. My studio's monthly maintenance fee went up about 25% three months ago to help pay for the building's heating cost this winter. In addition to the monthly maintenance cost, I also have to pay an additional $90/mo for the past three months to help pay down the heating bill that the building incurred LAST winter.

With all my three tenants now gone at the Pink House, a roughly 25% increase in electricity, a 7% property tax increase on top of an existing 18% increase, and no additional income... I feel that I'm screwed.

I will be calling my real estate agent today to finalize the terms in selling the Pink House; a move many of my friends and co-workers say is the wrong move at this time since the market is so down and chances of getting a loan is so difficult. I've tried the rental approach and it has gone no where... apparently, I'm "too far" from the city. Well... I may be a 35 minute train ride to the city, but I'm not exactly charging two arms and a leg to live in the Pink House either.

Whatever the case maybe... taking a step back from it all, I am still considered very lucky. I still have a job with a good salary for what I do. I have a close family and friends to lean on when I need to. I have my health. I can work and can find work if I do get laid off.

I recently visited Roscoe, NY... famous for the Roscoe Diner and the flood that wiped out a good part of the city a year ago. This rural area, about 100 miles northwest of NYC, had about 8 inches of rain in a span of 2 hours with sustained winds of 50 mph. The flood carried homes off their foundations and destroyed much of their roads. Aid to those who needed it were hampered due to the downed power lines and spotty cell phone services.

What's left of the town center is... rather depressing. The whole town center spanned about three blocks by three blocks with numerous boarded up store fronts and shattered windows. Among the abandoned lots where numerous store fronts for rent and lots for sale. On the edge of the town was an abandon home that was in the middle of an expansion. The windows where mostly intact, but the doorways where completely boarded up with ply-wood. The only life that was left in town was Buffalo Zach's Cafe, the only Internet cafe, connecting them to the outside world. The cafe even served soy milk for lactose intolerant people like me. The Roscoe O&W Railway Museum and Caboose was... uhmmm... just a semi-rusting caboose sitting on a what seems to be an empty lot. I didn't spot any tourist or an agent selling tickets either.

Other than touring the town, I also took a hike on one of Roscoe's washed out roads. Upon entering the "unmaintained" road, I felt a chill. It was a rush of the past communicating with me with every step I took. The first few steps on the road started off with asphalt which gradually changed into crumbed asphalt mixed with dirt to completely dirt and rocks. A 10 foot stream flowed to my left with a fallen tree bridging the two banks. The water was very shallow, very cold, clear, refreshing, and free of impurities. I even saw one tiny baby fish stuck between two rocks that was trying to continue down stream but couldn't; that's how shallow the water was.

As I hiked along the washed out trail, I saw many more fallen trees and crumbed away pavements. The trail became less and less walkable without having to dodge branches, over grown weeds, trees, and having to walk along a foot wide trail without spraining an ankle on the rocks. The trail was completely peaceful. No signs of living beings other than a family of five that was hiking back out the trail. I didn't hear birds, squirrels, or wild animals. I just had to combat the occasional fly and mosquito. I felt I was walking back in time in search of the ruins.

After hiking for about 40 minutes, I was completely thrown back by what I saw ahead of me. It sent chills throughout my body and I froze in my tracks. I approached it very slowly in awe. It was what's left of a bridge for cars that bridged the banks of the stream. What's left was this massive rusted semi-circular foundation of the bridge. The side railings were gone and had washed down stream and the concrete pavement was completely gone. What was exposed was only the bridge's foundation and a half torn off railing. Everything was rusted. The stream continued to flow under the bridge and the footings of the foundation could be seen exposed in the water.

I slowly crept across the bridge to the other side and felt like I stepped back in time. Silence.... even the sound of the stream was drowned out by the chills running up and down my back. I continued to walk on the washed out path and came across a much wider section of the stream which was to the right of me now. The depth of the stream was at least 10 feet. If I fell off the narrow trail, I would surely be injured with the bedrock of the stream exposed... hiking further up the trail, I came across more trees and what used to be the old stream before it redirected itself after the flood. I walked in its old stream bed and came across a pile of stones that were carefully arranged into a tower formation... it was spooky... as if I was looking at something from the past in the present... like Stone Hedge. Before I left the trail on my return trip, I too made a mark in time by placing a stone on the stone tower myself. I wonder if the tower will still exist if I ever return back to Roscoe.

This trip really made me appreciate the people and things that I have in my life. An already depressed town in the old rust belt still manages to survive after a disaster. With it's population of roughly 1000 people and a school of 300 students from grades pre-k to 12, Roscoe did well. People still stop by this small town on their way to Binghamton on Route 17 to fly fish, hike, camp, and just to eat at the Roscoe Diner. People here appear happy when I spoke with them. Even the teenagers working at the Buffalo Zach's Cafe didn't complain about the nearest mall and movie theater being 45 minutes away by car. That says something, doesn't it?

We as human beings can adapt to our changing environment and CAN live on less when we need to.

Roscoe is a great weekend town, but it's definitely not my life style. I still need to see people and buildings and have more than a tiny handful of restaurants to eat at. For now, I will continue to indulge in my city life, but also learn to scale back in the changing economy. I guess I will rest with the thought knowing that if I ever sold my studio or Pink House, with the money, I can buy a lake house for about $145k in Roscoe and live like a king... well... maybe not... as there are no jobs.

This is the sign right before the road ends and the hiking trail starts. Cars are no longer permited beyond this point.

This is what part of the trail looks like. The road was washed away and was replaced by rocks and soil.

This is one of the smaller fallen trees on the trail. There were trees that were 3-5 times its size.

This is the washed away bridge. The picture doesn't show the grandness of the bridge. The concrete pavement on top is completely gone and the iron is rusted away. You can still see what's left of the railing on the side. I actually found the other pieces of the bridge about 100 feet down stream from it. Cars used to travel over it.

This is the stone tower that I came across in my path. It sat in the middle of what used to be the stream bed. I decided to add a stone to the tower myself before I left the hiking trail.

Searching For Air

This summer has been a pretty interesting one for me. I asked for a more interesting life and most certainly, I got one, but not exactly what I had envisioned. It's not all bad and even the bad, isn't bad, when I look on the brighter side of things. What I do find is that I'm constantly "searching for air"... literally and figuratively. It kinda reminds me of the song "No Air" by Jordan Sparks.

I ended the weekend with a sore arm from drawing blood, a steriods regimen for the next 6 days, and of course a funeral wake.

It's been a good month since I went to see the doctor for my fever, sore throat, and severe cough. I don't have the fever now or the sore throat, but my lungs are inflamed. My doctor says that I have asthma even though I was denying it. He said, "Yes. You have asthma. Your lungs are inflamed."

He prescribed me Advair, Methylprednisolone, and Proventil. Originally he prescribed Singulair, but the prescription was $100 so he gave me a coupon to get it for free, but then the coupon was expired... so, when I went back to him, he gave me a free Advair Diskus so I could save money. The weird thing of it all is... the first doctor told me that I DO NOT have asthma when I asked him if I did.

I'll be going for a follow up next Tuesday at 2pm, I believe at that point he will more closely examine my lungs after the steriods... maybe an x-ray or something... I will of course get my blood test results as well. My mom has been pushing me to get my lungs examined for a while because I tend to have respiratory ailments alot due to childhood bronchitis. It's also because my grandmother passed away due to lung cancer when she never smoked a cigarette in her life.

Am I scared? hmmm... no, because everyone has his or her time. I also don't believe that I'm that sick, but I definitely need to take care of myself.

"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air"

A great uncle of my, Jim Chin, also passed away due to leukemia last weekend and we had the wake services for him yesterday. He passed at the age of 89 or 92, by Chinese calculations. When I asked why he has an American flag in his coffin, I found out that he had served in the US Navy at the Brooklyn Navy Yard in his late teens when he first immigrated to the US. He spoke no english, but enlisted to serve in the armed forces for his new found country. After his service, he opened a laudromat with his wife and had two sons, Frank Chin and Tunny Chin. Frank and Tunny both graduated from Harvard and MIT. Frank went on to become a big honcho at Smith Barney and Tunny worked for Bell Labs where it is said that he worked on the Touch Tone technology. Tunny passed away in his 30's due to cancer I believe. Great uncle Jim will be buried in Cypress Hill Cemetry today shortly after noon time. May he rest in peace.

Watching his wife mourn for him yesterday was quite sad. A life partner of close to 70 years... gone. One sad fact that I learned was also kinda disturbing too. Both Jim and his wife never travelled nor did they ever revisited their home country after they left. All those years... they just worked and stayed home. This was the old traditional Chinese way of thinking... you work hard and save for the future of your children.

Feeling down before and after the wake services, I decided not to join the dinner services after the wake. I instead headed home even when my dad asked me to stay for the dinner. I guess I left because I needed air.

"I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care"

I'm searching for air... a time to breathe... just to breathe.

Reflecting on life at a slower pace, I realize how precious it is. How I must take advantage of it. Live it. Cherishing the gift of air in my lungs... I'll survive. I may not live the life of a millionaire, but I've got air... Breathe.

Brain Tidbits

Hi. I'm back again. It's been a while... but I do have a few brain tidbits to share today. I finally decided to drop work during lunch to write a little. I have a feeling it's going to be a long blog. I'm not eating anything special for lunch today... actually, I'm eating my usual... a little of everything from the Amici buffet bar... the only thing that's different is that I'm eating less. Still kinda sick with this persistent cough that won't go away with antibiotics or antihistame. I couldn't sleep for two nights in a row again... I sat up all night in bed coughing my brains out. I need some TLC. :(

As I'm going through the motions of the day... a Rihana song is playing in my head. I've even sung a few words as I descended down 8 flights to get my lunch... I've been taking the stairs for the past month or so already... down only of course... besides, the door can't be opened from the first floor for security purposes.

"...Very entertaining, but it's over now. Go on and take a bow..."

This past weekend was a packed one. I started it off by taking my sisters and my sister's boyfriend to SBNY, a gay club/lounge on a Friday night. We ate at Republic and drank away at SBNY. The music wasn't good, but the company was great. Two straight girls and a straight guy at a gay club... lol... I told my sister's boyfriend to becareful when he was going to the bathroom, just in case some dude goes into the stall with him. LOL...! I scared him good. He grabbed my sister to go with him each time he went to the bathroom. LOL... Well... the evening was fun. We got somewhat drunk and my sister's boyfriend ended up puking. And oh... almost forgot.... he got so drunk that he pinched my nice round butt to tease me. LOL... We took a cab back to my parent's place and I stayed for the night. The following day, I took care of errands including taking my mom to see the doctor and getting my eyes checked for new contact lens. After dinner we went night fishing along the Toys R Us stretch of the Belt Parkway... we caught nothing and I lost my newly bought crab cage. *I was SO sad.* I felt like I just threw $6 into the Atlantic and didn't even get the pleasure of doing so. We ended the week at a potluck dinner to see a friend off to Cali... another soon to be ex-NY'er.

Perhaps... the grass is always greener on the other side.

"...And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not..."

Perhaps... one day I'll find Cali greener too.

"...You really had me going... But now it's time to go..."

So, I've taken some stumbles in the past and now I've begun to lick my wounds and crawl on. I've challenged myself recently to do something that I normally wouldn't do on my own. I've taken a beginner's hip hop class at the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater with instructor Tweetie.

This is her pic and this is her bio. She is great. She was recently featured on Oprah and taught the live audience to dance the "Snap Your Fingers" dance. :) I'm proud to say that I learn from the best! :)

I think through this act of doing something that's uncharacteristic of me, I've become less afraid of the outside world and a little less afraid of the inside world. I can say that I've grown a little as a person. I think it's a start for me to become who I think I can be. This is also my way of "solving" my anxiety issues. I still huddle by myself in the corner of class, but when the music comes on... the mind moves on and the body flows on. I tell ya... gyrating to Busta Rhymes is no joke dawg.

"...For making me believe that you could be... faithful to me..."

One thing that bothered me as the weekend came to a close, was the fact that my mother kept on trying to set me up with these girls that her factory worker friends are recommending that I date. She was telling me that one of the girls is a teacher, age 28, and was open to a blind date. Of course I would get to see her picture first and likewise she gets to see mine too. Isn't this sick? I can't believe that my parents are still into this. My mom even tried to put a huge guilt trip on me. She told me that she was going to be lying in her death bed like my grandmother and how my grandmother was "worrying" about my uncle because he was single and that no one was there to take care of him when she passes on. Isn't this sick?

This is still bothering me today. The grass on the other side is starting to look greener already.

"...You really had me going... But now it's time to go... Curtains finally closing..."

The curtains are finally closing... closing... closing... I've lost partial vision of my future.

Oh great... now I'm teary eyed at work... deep breath... breathe... I feel my eyes burning hot red.

I guess I'm still bothered by this because in some ways I believe this is going to be my future. Being alone.

"...That was quite a show... Very entertaining... But it's over now... Go on and take a bow..."

Take a bow... am I ready to take a bow?

Just over a week ago, a visiting friend, a pre-med, asked me, "Do you have manic depression?" I wasn't surprised by his question, but the answer is no. I don't have manic depression. I just occasionally have my down days. Don't you?

Well... I'm still struggling to grow out of my shell. I've been a hermit for so long that I don't know what color the sky is anymore. The hues of baby blue, once a vivid sight, never changing on canvas, is now gray... like the arrival of a storm. Or is the storm departing, making way for the hues of blue again?

I once asked my Aunt Rosa, "How far can our eyes see?" I asked her this question to break the silence as she walked me home from a weekend stay at her place. She replied, "As far as you can see into the sky." I now ask the same question, but as a man, not as a boy anymore, "How far can we see into our future?"

The answer is two fold... We can't "see" our future. We can only plan and work towards a possible future that we want. God does the rest.

The one thing that I do know at the moment is that I need do what feels right and what feels good and not hesitate too much. I need to plan for the worst case scenario, but at the same time, not let the worst case scenario rob me of precious time. My mom said something else to me, in addition to all the questions she had as to why I won't go on this blind date... she questioned me, "Why won't you sell the house? If you don't plan on getting married? Why do you need two places to live?" I had no answer for her, but I know the answer. I NEED the house because it is my future. My financial security blanket... in case, I can't work, don't have health insurance, and need the money to buy the care that I need. It's that simple. The house represents my life vest. But sometimes... I wonder, at that point... is it still worth it? One must still have hope, I suppose.

Sylvester's birthday is coming up real quick... he's been gone for two years already. I miss him very much. He was the only constant in my life that was good to me. Even though I've smacked him around before for peeing around the house or breaking things. He always forgave me and loved me for who I was. He was always by my side even when he was mad at me for not changing his litter pan or missed giving him his insulin when I was out clubbing. He was the most charitable to me.

As my day winds down at work... I have Tweetie to bring my spirits up again... We will hip hop our problems away... at least for an hour and a half. I wonder if that cute guy will be there today. He was all smiles and was enjoying the class by himself as I enjoyed myself looking at him... maybe that's why I couldn't get the "reebok" move right... unfortunately, I think he's straight. I guess straight dudes also go through similar things in life and occasionally need a good hip hop class to gyrate their problems away.

"Ready-- from the top... 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8... body roll... shake it...cross step... do the reebok to the left... do the reebok to the right... step... cross... shake it loose... head-on-battle!"

Missing Pride

It's been a wild and busy month for me so far... some good, some not so good.

I just got back from the Pride Parade and I'm feeling a bit down. Today didn't exactly happen as I'd hope. First off, I'm very happy that a close friend of mine invited me to join him and his friends for brunch and then to watch the parade as a group. The food at "Deborah's" at 43 Carmine Street in the East Village was very good. I had the Duck Confit Hash... delicious. It was a $40/person Prix Fixe brunch with unlimited Mimosas, Blood Mary's, and Sangrias. The Mimosa was yummy and the Sangria was terrific. I even had blueberries and lychees in mine.

The brunch was good, but I had a hard time mixing in with the group. I was the "outsider" and they were all talking about either last night's gathering or some other event that they all were part of. What is one to say to join in such a conversation? Well, I did my best and talked about Kung Fu Panda and my Hip Hop class. But, there's only so much you can chit chat about on these two topics with strangers.

After our brunch we headed to a bar for a quick drink before the parade made it's way down. The bar's name was "Blind Tiger". We gathered there for about half an hour before heading out to catch the parade, but only got caught in the rain. So, we all headed back to the bar. I went to the restroom to dry off a little and to pee. As I was existing the restroom, I was cursed at by three bitchy lesbians... "You have no pussy... no vagina..." and yadda yadda yadda... I was only in the bathroom for 3 minutes to pee and to wash and dry my hands. I couldn't believe it... I was going to curse back at them, but decided not to. I already had too many other thoughts preoccupying me. So, as I headed back to the group I was going to tell them that I was heading home instead. It was already pass 3pm. As I pulled out my phone to check the time, the bouncer pulled me aside and asked, "Is that a T-mobile phone?" I said, "Yes" and he asked to borrow it to make a phone call to T-mobile to tell them that he had lost his phone... 10 minutes later as the group was leaving... I had to ask the bouncer for my phone back...

Long story short and needless to say... I missed the Manhattan Pride Parade. I also missed the Queens Pride Parade because of poor timing. I also missed the Brooklyn Pride Parade because it was also pouring rain that day. So... 2008 goes on without any pride. Leaves me a bit sad.

To add salt to injury... when I'm down $12k, I found out today that I may need to sell the house in the next 2-3 months. To wrap the weekend up... I couldn't sell my old car yesterday after having waited for half a day for the potential buyer to show up.

Well... so... that's what is going through my head right now.

sigh... one highlight of my day..... I received a DVD of over 900 songs from a buddy... :) The special thing about it? I didn't ask for it. It was truly a thoughtful present. :) "Thank you." I want you to know that that made my day.

Over a Martini

Sigh... I think I'm ready to write some more again. It's been quite crazy this whole year. It's been quite hard to find time to sit and write. Although this is the case, I've been doing much blogging in my head. With an apple martini in hand and nothing on, but boxers... I feel free enough to write.

I think over the past two months I've made some "improvements" in my life... or so I think. They are more like baby baby steps that I've been taking. Maybe by the end of this summer I would be taking toddler steps. So, what "improvements" have I made thus far? Well, for starters, I've added some "extracurricular activities" to my life. Largely I made this change in my life because I'm trying to cut the rebound period shorter. I figured if I allow my inner emotions chart my life's course, I would end up no where anytime soon.

The first step I took was recognize the fact that I needed a change. The next step was a bit of luck and a bit of determination on my part. As most know, if you have been a regular reader of my blog, I've been using my blog as a sounding board to figure out a part of me. A part of me that in some ways "hold" me back. I've been speaking with a counselor for about 3-4 sessions already. I have one tomorrow evening.

Through this counselor, I've been working on a part of my past that kinda explains the way I am today. I think after my session tomorrow, I will be able to blog about Professor X. To think of it, I've never spoke of Professor X to anyone, not even to my ex or to my first. I never was able to figure out that period of my life. It was full of conflict and contradictory thoughts. But, I think deep down inside of me, I already knew the truth.

I'm hoping that understanding this period of my life would help me in some ways live a little differently in the present. I'm also hoping that understanding this period of my life would free me of my past and help me live my life now.

My last session with my counselor brought me to tears. My counselor even seemed to have watery eyes too. His eyes were a bit red as I teared up. He even allowed me to continue to speak beyond my one hour allotment. I couldn't believe it. I spoke non-stop for an hour with tissue in hand. Even as I blog at the moment, I feel sad and teary eyed. With the passage of time, I've nearly forgotten most of the intricacies of my relationship with this professor.

I purposefully try to remember this period of my life, because I believe it would provide some answers to my present. My aspiration of writing a book and then starting this blog all revolves around this period of my life... simply wanting to solve it... understand it. After all, this period of my life left me with razor marks on my arm and the desire to cut myself when depressed... and enjoy it too. I admit, this is a very scary secret that I'm sharing with strangers who read this blog. I don't care. I want to be transparent about this. This may be a turn off to friends and family too, but I don't care. If you don't know me by now and you consider me to be a friend or family, get past this and see me in my entirety. If this causes you to label me as being weak, so be it. I'm only human and I am allowed to be weak. With God as my witness, I've fought my battles head on. I am allow to falter... I am human. I am human. I am human.

Believe me... at times I want to cut myself like in the past. The blood that flows and the wound that burns, pales in comparison to the pain that's on the inside. Cutting myself made the pain on the inside more tangible. Instead of focusing on the internal struggle, focusing on the burning sensation was easier to deal with... and at times... pleasurable. I remember laughing and smiling at my arm as the blood seeped through the razor cuts.

Cutting myself was the least of my worries. It was something I could deal with. It was the professor. It was he that was difficult to deal with.

Today was a day where I felt vulnerable again. The last time I felt vulnerable was when Sylvester was slowly dying in my arms. The day started out fine. I was even invited to join in on the Queen's pride parade. I didn't go because I felt I was somewhat of an afterthought and mainly because by the time I got to Queens, it would be 3pm and I would only see the tail end of the parade... just to head home again.

Since I decided that I wasn't going to the parade, I decided to be productive at home. I decided to fix my leaky faucet. I pulled out my HomeDepot CD and reviewed the steps of changing the cold water faucet's washer. I got out my tools and knelt down to turn off the main water supply and that was when my world fell apart. My worst nightmare happened. The ancient main valve sprung a leak after I turned it to shut off the water supply. Ironic isn't it? I believe it was a message sent from above that I was meant to head to that parade anyway... regardless of whether I was an afterthought or whether I was arriving there to greet the paraders good-bye.

As the water came out in a stream, I tried so hard to stop it. I felt so lost for a moment. I wanted to panic and to give into my fears. I caught myself on the verge of wanting to cry and to really panic. I stopped. I remembered Sylvester as I was kneeling on the floor. I remembered how I wanted to be stronger and I remembered how I wanted to be a better fighter. I stood up. I got together a series of baking pans and basins to catch the water. I called my contractor. I called the in-house plumber. I refused to be weak. I remembered Sylvester in my arms and how helpless I was. I remembered those terrible feelings of being on my own. I remembered my tears. I remembered the desire of fighting on. I fought on.

After all is said and done... I lost an afternoon, but gained a stronger will to fight my inner fears. I am still weak as I'm only human, but I know I am now better prepared. I am a bit stronger. I can fight my fears better. Perhaps I am a step closer to being a single father.

I want another drink.

SIUH Photos

The Healing Process:

There are five bandages on my mom's back. Each one covers a hole that was cut to insert the operating equipment to fuse her spine together. She can no longer turn her lower back. The size of the black and blue area is about 8" x 12" in area.

Fourth Day

Seventh Day

Ninth Day

Twelfth Day

Hospital Snacks... how healthy! :)
Yes... I am definitely guilty of stealing my mom's hospital snacks on occasion. I have many more pics of the stuff I ate, but I'm just too embarrassed to post them all. Hospital desserts aren't half bad. :)













The Hospital Volunteers:
These two doggies were part of my mom's pet therapy session. They were so friendly, but I have to say that they had doggie breathe. Cats still rule!

Mari

Bailey

Striking a Chord

Well, it's been a good two weeks since my last post. It hasn't been exactly an easy two weeks either. I think I dealt with everything quite well. My mom is now at home recovering from the surgery and she is suppose to get a nurse from the Visiting Nurse Services to help her for a few hours each week. She is getting better and better each day. Now, what's left is to see if the surgery did what it was suppose to do... which is to allow her to live a back pain and nerve pain free life. The doctors are saying that it is going to take a little more time. She still has nerve pain and numbness down her right leg. I hope that recedes. I will post some pics in another blog of her back.

I've been having some problems sleeping at night since I've been sleeping over at my parent's couch a few nights a week. I've even started hearing sounds at night. My nephew and sister came up from Florida on Tuesday and were sleeping in my parent's room. I could have sworn I heard my nephew cry at night and that my sister was comforting him on Wednesday night, but my sister and parents told me otherwise on Thursday. LOL...! Great... I can't sleep AND I'm hearing things. I KNOW I was awake because I got up and looked towards my parent's room and still heard the sounds. Oh well... maybe I was tapping into "another world". I tend to have heightened senses when I'm stressed out.

I've been relying heavily on music to de-stress these days. I blast the music in the car and "dance" around in my seat as I drive. It helps me to briefly lose myself in the day to day on-goings. At night, I listen to my iPod and "dance" in bed until I get tired and fall asleep.

I sung last night and two nights before to the Jewish boy above me. I figured if I have to hear him sing... he should hear me "sing" at night too. I had my iPod blasting and I was singing every other word and mumbling every third word to "Teardrops On My Guitar" (by Taylor Swift), as I played my imaginary air guitar in bed... I got so in to it, that I must have played the song like over 10 times before my hands and arms got tired. I even got so hot that I stripped down to my boxers to cool off... well, boxer briefs last night... sleeping totally nude is... hmm.. a bit funky.

"Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be"

As I read the words of the song (after googling it in bed), I started to feel an overwhelming sadness come over me. Certain thoughts filled my mind and certain images just popped up randomly, but this overwhelming urge of wanting to break free of the past propelled me to puck my air guitar even more. Closing my eyes, bobbing my head to the beat, and biting my lips as I stroke each chord helped me descend to neutral ground where I was back in control.

"He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night"

One thing I do realize is that my past makes me who I am today and who I want to become. I've talked it out with my counselor during my last session and what I want is to understand the past, but not hold on to it. Holding on to dead weight slows me down. Understanding the past is the difficult part.... over analysis causes paralysis too.

"She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause"

"Luck"... I'm starting to understand that I don't have luck in my life. I don't think "luck" ever stopped by me on its way. Although I don't have "luck" on my side, I have something else... resilience. This resilience is great, but I often find myself being tired and wondering when I'm going to have to simply-- give up. I guess this is one reason why I find Hillary such an excellent candidate for the presidency. The difference between her and me, is that she shows no signs of wanting to give up. This is what we need in a president. Anyway, back to being resilient. I think I'm rewarded by God for being resilient. Somehow... everything just comes together at the end for the better. The results may not be what I wanted, but may be what's best for me. Sometimes, I feel that I have no choice, but to accept certain things.

"So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight"

My body is tired. My mind is tired. My emotions are running wild. I function because I can. I persevere because I want to. I just need to sometimes slow down and let go of some baggage so I can go a little further. I will not place blame, but will embrace the events... to understand them... for the future.

"'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do"

I don't have anyone special to confide to, so I sing it all out of my soul. I find strangers to share my stories, in an attempt to not burn up in flames. I'm determined to find that key... to set things free.

"He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see"

Things are not always as they seem. We will always want to see things our way; through the spectacles of our past. At times we wish our spectacles were tinted to protect us from the truth. I choose to see through them with a magnified perspective. This is where the past and the present closes it's gap and the way to the future is forged. Much like how dirt and water together can form the foundations of a home.